Reston Mom

clumsy child-induced situations

So, you're in Target with two kids, one at least constrained within the cart - which happens to be quickly filling with little odds and ends that you've been meaning to pick up, though it has taken a while to actually get pulled together enough to even attempt a target run with the kids. When of course, one of the munchkins suddenly needs to use the bathroom (even though you were just in there with the other kid)....
What to do? What seems like the most uncomplicated answer is to just take it all in with you...that's right, just push the entire cart into the bathroom.  Oh, I've done it.  And, in reality, trying to push an unevenly weighted fat red cart around the awkward corner and through the door, with one hand while holding the door with the other and trying not to run over the confused people to whom you are giving apologetic glances as they are smooshed backwards into the narrow bathroom, is NOT less work than just popping the kids in and out of the cart, and MUCH more clumsy. (though is helpful in curbing the curiosity unconfined kids seem to have especially for those little "trashcans" in the stalls)  Gratefully, when you actually make it inside,  there is a large handicap stall right in the middle (instead of at the end) which, surprisingly will fit the entire cart.  Except that there is very little room to maneuver and people are giving you those "looks" that they reserve especially for moms.  God forbid that it actually be me who has to use the bathroom which is just going to make me that much less patient and graceful...and if another mom tries to come in there with her cart or stroller...well, forgetaboutit. 
I used to think that I had to be the only one desperate or crazy enough to try this, so I was pleasantly surprised when yesterday, after taking my girls into the women's restroom - sans cart - I noticed another woman come out of the center stall with her giant red cart and kid parked in front.  You should have seen my warm inner smile...it's like we were members of our own secret club.  You know what else? As we were leaving, another mom pulled up with her cart and headed in. 
Of course there are better ways to do this...that's not really the point.  The point is that moms do crazy things all the time that we feel so clumsy and silly for...but some days being a mom isn't about being perfectly resourceful or graceful, it's about getting it done.  You might not be part of the "shopping cart in the restroom" club, but maybe it's the overflowing HUGE diaper bag club, or the uncoordinated, clumsy, nursing-in-some-inadequate-corner-in-public club,  or the I-came-unprepared-so-now-my-kid-has-on-half-the-amount-of-clothes-they-should-and-is-eating-whatever
-stale-mushed-snack-I-could-manage-to-dig-out-of-the-bottom-of-my-bag club, or whatever... I'd like to go up to every woman I've ever seen in an awkward child-induced scenario and pat her on the back and say, "hey, I'm in that club too."  In fact, I think I'm the president. 

milestones

All I can say is that it is an amazing feeling when you trust your young children with a certain level of responsibility and they come through! We are finally to the point where I can tell my kids, who are playing with toys downstairs, that I am going upstairs to take a shower and get ready for the day and that I'd like them to go get ready too. And, by the time I've finished my shower, the girls - who could have chosen to stay where they were and continue playing, have instead worked together to choose their clothing and dress in it, brush their teeth, and brush their hair. 
Now mind you, the outfits they pick might not be what I would have chosen for them - sometimes they leave the house looking a tad ridiculous...and their teeth might not be cleaned perfectly.  I'm okay with that. I try very hard not to criticize or re-do their efforts.  They can't quite manage barettes and ponytails by themselves yet, so I get to finish their hair.  But I'll help with their teeth before bed and lay down my pride in having children who are dressed in super cute little outfits in exchange for seeing them grow in responsibility and enjoy it....and it saves us all some time too.

Mama Exposed 5

Okay, I'm going to just admit it; I don't always like playing with my kids.  In fact, I'm pretty terrible at it. I just have such a difficult time sitting there on the carpet trying to be entertained by Candyland or Legos or babydolls.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my children.  I love to watch them and to be around them...but so often I'm just tired and not feeling creative or frankly, my adult brain is just not thoroughly engaged by the interests of a 2 and a 4 yr. old. And, as often as not, I'm simply distracted.  I often find that my play time with the girls is forced and not as enthusiastic is it maybe should be.  I do make time to do this because I'm trying to make the most of my time with them.  I know that someday they will no longer come to me to ask if I will play, and I will miss that.  But it isn't always easy and it isn't always what I feel I'd rather be doing.  I think that this is probably normal to some degree, and I would wager that a lot of moms probably feel pretty guilty about this.  There are days when, though I am a stay-at-home-mom, I realize at the end of the day that I didn't really play with my kids at all.  They sort of played around me or near me, but I wasn't particularly engaged with them as I went about my daily chores or whatever...and I think about how I missed another day when I could have made the most of enjoying my children and somehow I feel that I've let them down and myself down, and in a way I have.  Then there are days when I actually do play with them...but I'm not really engaged and they practically have to drag it out of me - and then I feel guilty about that one too because I don't want to communicate to them that they aren't important or other things deserve my time more or that I don't want to play with them.  Because really I do, I want to be the kind of parent that can get lost in play for hours with my kids.  I'm working on that...and occasionally, we do manage to really play together and I enjoy it and receive it as a gift.  This is all some weird balancing trick that I haven't got the hang of yet and by the time I do, it will probably be too late.  I suppose that is why my children's grandmothers have no problem just playing with them. 

wills and custody

We recently had a very interesting and unexpected thing happen to us.  Some friends of ours asked us if we would consider taking custody of their children in the horrible event that something should happen to both parents. (This is not the family, by the way, whose children I watch regularly, for those of you who like to be sleuths :)  I was blown away by this.  It brought back to mind the need for my husband and I to have some wills executed for ourselves with stipulations for the care of our own children.  And as I pondered this and who I would entrust the care of my precious babies to, I felt totally honored and amazed that anyone would think so much of my husband and I that they would consider us, and I felt totally unworthy.  It really wasn't a difficult decision to say yes. Even after all things considered, I would absolutely love and raise those children as my own in a heartbeat, though I definitely hope and pray that nothing should ever happen to my friends.  I would definitely want to honor their wishes however, as I would want my desires for my own children to be honored.  For some people a choice like our friends made might be easy, but for others it may be really difficult.  In any case, I think it is wise to plan ahead for the best interest of our children in case of unfortunate events. 

mom burn out

I think every mother is entitled to physically/mentally/emotionally/relationally crash sometime, at least for a short while.  There is just so much going on that sometimes, not unlike my computer, we need to just shut down and start up again later.  And I'm not talking about needing to go out by yourself for a cup of coffee or a kid-free twirl around Target....I"m talking bawling, "everyone leave me the heck alone 'cause I can't handle it at the moment" adult meltdown.  This morning was my turn.  It's been a busy few weeks and right when I realized I was totally overstimulated (a very real problem for introverts like myself), we had a houseful of guests show up for the weekend.  One silly little thing put me over the top this morning, so my husband graciously agreed to suck up his own weariness and take the kids out of the house for a little while so I could "recover."  Wanna know what I did? I spent two hours watching Gilmore Girls, Full House, and Home Improvement reruns while I sewed new panel curtains for my girls' bedroom.  Daytime t.v. is something I never do and crafting something is so restorative and relaxing for me.  Hopefully the rest of the day will follow suit - Maddie is now napping, as is my husband, and Hope is quietly playing while I write.

living in between

Summer has been good for me.  Somehow, it has emphasized my efforts to slow down and savor my moments.  I've been trying to focus on the "in-between" a lot lately. You know what I mean....those moments in between everything else that we are doing.  The moments that are so often wasted and pushed aside by "hurry up" and impatience and total focus on the next thing we are doing whether it is really something important or just dinner or an errand or whatever.  Somehow, I think that it is in those moments where life really occurs.  So, I'm committing to quit telling my kids to hurry through them and to shifting my focus off of the next task at hand and into here and now more often.  So what if my kids want to walk home from the pool EXTRAORDINARILY slow?...let 'em be wet longer, eat dinner later and let's take the time to pick at pebbles and dawdle and just "be" together.  I've sometimes wondered where it is along the way that adults seem to lose their imagination and lose sight of the mystery and wonder of life and begin pummeling through it at full speed.  I think it happens when we get to the life stage where we must begin thinking about the next task in our day, when we become responsible and focused on our duties real and perceived.  But kids are still living in the moments in between.  They are alive and curious and adventurous as we carry them from one thing to the next throughout the day.  They don't seem to anticipate the next thing in the same way, they are too captivated by the opportunities that are presented in every moment, in now.  I think that's what people mean when they are lying on their deaths beds saying things about how much they wish they had taken the time to slow down and enjoy life, how they missed so much that they'd give anything to have back again.  All that time in between adds up to a lot of life.  I don't want to cast that aside in a rush for who knows what? and I don't want to teach my kids the nasty habit of doing that either.

she's an introvert

It is so interesting to watch the distinct and individual personalities of my children unfold before me.  In some ways, though they are my own, I am trying to get to know them as if I were learning about somebody else, a new friend for example.  It really helps me and our relationships to understand who they are apart from who I expect them to be.  My 4 year old is an introvert - I'm almost positive! You wouldn't probably know this from meeting my extremely vociferous daughter, but I am not talking about being shy or quiet.  I'm referring to how extroverted personalities are energized by being around other people while introverted personalities are drained of energy by others and are re-energized by time to themselves.  Hope may spend the day in the company of one or many people, but in either case she will inevitably come to a crashing point.  It becomes abundantly clear that she is done.  She'll tell me she's done, she wants to go home or be alone and she'll hole up somewhere by herself until she is rejuvenated again.  Understanding this about her has been fascinating and has helped us to avoid many meltdowns and misunderstandings.  It is fairly easy for me to recognize and cater to this because I am also an introvert.  My husband and other daughter, however, are not.  About the time that Hope and I are ready to retreat or bust, the other two are clamoring to get out and find more people.  It requires some balance among us all.

automatic flushers

Have you ever noticed that the automatic flush for public restrooms wasn't really designed with kids in mind?  I can't tell you how many times I've taken one of my girls into a public stall and had the toilet flush while they are still sitting there only to scare the jeepers out of them! Since they aren't quite tall enough yet, the sensor sometimes thinks they've left even when they haven't.  And then there is the added situation of it never flushing at all because it never sensed them in the first place, which doesn't matter quite so much because there is the little manual button.  Still, you should see the startled look in their eyes when they are sitting there peacefully taking care of business and suddenly, without warning, there comes the thundering Niagara Falls-noise of the super-powered public flush and occasionally a slight sprinkle from the upsurge. I think it has happened enough times now that they are getting used to it - they don't seem to instinctively leap away in terror anymore :)  I've tried standing there directly in front of them in order to fool the sensor, but inevitably they can't reach the toilet paper and so when I lean over to help - you got it - flush!

global food crisis and making a difference

It is shameful how easy it is to complain about rising costs of gas and groceries from the comfort of the richest nation in the world. I have to fight to keep perspective.  I don't know if you are aware that there is a global food crisis happening right now and that people are suffering.  It has been said that this crisis could potentially plunge an additional 100 million families on each continent into hunger.
"A combination of natural disasters, rising oil prices, and a reduction in staple food items like rice are ravaging families who were already struggling to buy food for their family. Because of these factors inflation has kicked in and caused food prices to soar over the past few months. This rise in food prices triggered the recent outbreak of violence in Haiti and in Bangladesh the cost of a kilo of rice went from $.31 to $.56 in less than 3 months. Most of these families living in poverty earn less than $2 per day and most of them are skipping meals because of the increase in costs." 
Brian Seay summarizes a massive issue - and his family has decided to make a small change to help make a difference. They aren't the only ones. A few families I know have decided to give up one dinner meal each week to just eat rice, only rice.  They will spend that evening teaching their children about a different country and families in crisis.  They have also decided to give 10% of their weekly grocery budget to the Compassion Food Crisis Fund.  Brian has said that he will write a weekly post with stories from these countries and their specific needs to help any family who would join their efforts.  I am so inspired by these families and appreciate the fact that they will not only make a difference by contributing financially, but they will also make a difference by raising compassionate children who will continue to look beyond themselves into the world around them. 

89,711 parenting books

Just out of curiosity, I visited Amazon's book section and searched "parenting."  The result was 89,711 books.
And I'm curious to hear what you would say that reveals about parenting in this day and age???

Exposing myself

When my sister started her blog in 2007, she included a few posts called "mama exposed."  The idea was to expose some of her imperfections - the fish that were swimming in murky tanks, the messy closets she couldn't get to, etc....   I think that we all have things that we'd rather not advertise because we want to appear to be good moms who have it all together.  But the reality of being a mom is that there is always something difficult, something we can't get to, somewhere that things are falling apart a little bit (or a lot), something we feel that we don't want to admit because we'd seem like terrible moms.  Little by little, I'm going to unveil some of those things in my life for you to take a peek at. Why? Just keepin' it real. As my husband is fond of pointing out; life is messy. (not just in the organizational sense)  Maybe you can relate and we can laugh a little.  Keep an eye out for "mama exposed."

            Here is a recent family photo: I love the looks on the girls faces - Hope is modeling the "life is perfect" fake mom-face, and Maddie is modeling the "mama exposed" face (not planned...just thought it was cute!)

character and cartoons

I recently had a conversation with my husband where I made comment about cartoons.....the cartoons our kids would be familiar with are more and more engineered for educational purposes - getting smart.  Super Why, Word World, Little Einsteins are all prime examples, but even Dora and Diego include interactive decisions based on color, shape, logic, etc.... Entire channels are based around cartoons that are educational (sprout for preschoolers for example) - and it seems the more "educational" it is, as in the more math, science, reading help it contains, the more it appeals to parents.  Other than maybe Sesame Street and a few other obscure programs, this wasn't the case when I was a child at all.  Rather the cartoons were geared towards character. Remember the old-school CareBears who came down to offer support, advice, and cheer to children? Even the Smurfs and GummiBears in their good guys vs. the bad guy escapades usually had some moral or character-building wrap up to the plot.  Well, cartoons are just cartoons and this is somewhat of a ridiculous post...but there just might be a cultural trend that is subtly reflected here.  Are parents placing more importance on scholastic aptitude and IQ scores than on building good character? Well, I don't know.  But I do know that I've had more conversations at the playground about preschool and learning how to read than I have about teaching honesty, generosity, and keeping your word.  And, I've met more kids on the playground who can read and do math but find no trouble in directly lying to me and bullying other kids.  Just some observations.

depression, teens, and an amazing friend

I just wanted to introduce you all to my amazing friend Brandi.  Brandi - who has a contagious smile and a super-adorable tiny daughter and her loving husband, a zillion friends, a great job, and the kind of personality that always makes you feel at home, welcome, and anxious to be friends with her.  Brandi - the same, who suffered from depression as a teenager, jumped off the Chesapeake Bay Bridge in a desperate effort to end her life, MIRACULOUSLY survived, and now shares her story to help others.  She has appeared on Dateline NBC, The Today Show, and Oprah Winfrey as an advocate for depression awareness and continues to speak in local high schools and other opportunities.  She is a prime example for a person who appeared to everyone have it all together but underneath was wrestling with a very real and difficult illness.  This is an issue that affects a surprisingly large number of teenagers today, as well as adults of all ages.  Her website is interesting, encouraging, and offers some great resources and continues to be updated.  Please check it out.

It's Just a Plant

I got the scoop on this book over at Mom Logic.  The self-published work by Ricardo Cortes titled "It's Just a Plant" "is an illustrated children's book about marijuana. It follows the journey of a young girl as she learns about the plant from a diverse cast of characters including her parents, a local farmer, a doctor, and a police officer."
Here is a quote taken from near the beginning:
"One night, Jackie woke up past her bedtime.  She smelled something funny in the air, so she walked down the hall to her parents' bedroom. "What's that, Mommy?" asked Jackie.  "Are you and Daddy smoking a cigarette?"  "No, baby," said her mother.  "This is a joint. It's made of marijuana."
I haven't had a chance to read the whole thing yet, but I believe it does go on to say that marijuana is illegal. I definitely think that parents need to be talking with their children about drugs and drug use, but I'm not sure that the picture-book method (at least not with this book) is the route I would take. 
What do you think?

playground parenting

My daughter Hope had two separate run-ins with some poorly behaving children at the playground recently.  The first was when she was waiting politely to ask a girl (who was climbing up and down the slide repeatedly) if she might have a turn, but before she got the chance to even approach the girl, the girl came bolting at Hope for no reason - stopping an inch from her face to yell menacingly.  My daughter's feelings were so hurt.  Secondly, a little boy pushed Hope from the ladder, landing her on her butt on the ground - and then lied about it repeatedly.  In both cases, any parents were either completely absent from the scene or totally disinterested in being involved in any way.  Clearly, I am not going to allow the safety of my own children to be jeopardized...but when otherwise is it okay to step in and deal with another child's behavior? I don't want to lash out in an emotionally driven response to another child and I do want to leave room for my children to learn to deal with things by themselves (I don't want to be the playground police).  But what is the correct response for dealing with children who are making playground time miserable for the other kids present and whose parents don't care? My daughters are still learning how to deal with this kind of thing, how do I best stand up for them in the meantime?

more quoteables

"Cleaning your house while your children are still growing,
is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
- Mary Kay Blakely

"Every child is born an artist.
The challenge is to remain one once he grows up."
- Picasso

"To a child, love is a four-letter word:
T-I-M-E."
- Dr. Cindy Nurik

"A mother never stands so tall as when she bends down
to help her child."
- unknown

"There are two lasting bequests we can give our children.
One is roots, the other is wings."
- Hodding Carter, Jr.

My Beautiful Mommy

Got the scoop on this one from my friend Kirsten - a children's book aimed to help children understand and resolve fears about their mom's plastic surgery!  While I applaud the intent of the plastic-surgeon-father-of-six-author to communicate clearly with children, console fears, and explain why mommy "looks different" (some plastic surgeries are necessary and/or beneficial of course), I have to shake my head again at a society that measures worth by beauty and measures beauty by false and unrealistic standards.  What about a book that teaches that my mommy is beautiful because her nose is unique and her hips are curvy and she bears the loose skin and stretch marks of delivering a few kids?  I suppose the issue isn't really the book...but becoming mothers who understand true beauty and worth, exhibit self-confidence regardless of physical attributes, and teach future generations to do the same. 

quotable, part 1

" To be a good housewife and mother, you have to be more self-generated.  You have to create your own playground of the imagination, and the mind.  To be a really good, creative mother you have to be an extraordinary woman.  You have to keep yourself involved with your child during great periods of the day when it's just the two of you and you feel that at any moment you may literally go out of your mind."
- Meryl Streep

"Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brains."
- Martin Mull

A former first lady said,
" You know, at the end of your life, you will never regret not having vacuumed the living room, not having made the bed or not ironing one more shirt.  But you will regret times not spend with a husband, a friend, a parent, a child."

" A mother holds her children's hands for a little while, their hearts forever."
-unknown

Age-Appropriate Manners

I recently attended a parenting seminar where I received a bunch of resources.  One thing that was touched upon was the decline of "manners" in our society and the necessity of teaching and holding our children accountable for common courtesy.  Among our hand-outs was a list of age-appropriate manners taken from the book You Can Raise a Well-Mannered Child by June Hines Moore.  It's clearly not exhaustive, but I've included it below.  However, let us remember that the goal is not to hold your kids to a long list of obligatory rules but rather to train our children to be considerate of others rather than self-serving individuals as a whole. 
age 3-4

• saying hello and good-bye
• saying please and thank-you
• shaking hands
• making eye-contact

age 4-5

• saying excuse me
• using a fork and spoon properly
• asking for food to be passed
• using a napkin
• talking without a mouth full of food
• not interrupting others

age 5-6

• proper behavior for a reasonable amount of time in public places, such as not making a scene or talking too loudly

age 6-10

• saying excuse me when interrupting becomes necessary
• respond when spoken to
• showing respect for disabled individuals
• offering help when it is needed
• showing respect for elders, such as allowing older people to enter/exit first, speaking respectfully and offering assistance
• refraining from making hurtful comments of judgements such as "that's an ugly dress"
• good manners when visiting
• making the bed
• writing thank-you notes

age 10-12

• exercising discretion
• speak softly when calling someone to the telephone
• refrain from sassing
• respect property at home and away
• answer the telephone properly
• keep his/her room neat and clean
• do assigned chores cheerfully, punctually, and efficiently
• play music at a resonably low decibel
• respect privacy of others
• wait one's proper turn in line
• say excuse me when bumping into someone
• attend to one's guest
• write thank you notes for gifts, overnight visits, and special treats of any kind
• be punctual
• respect the driver of the car
• deposit trash in the proper receptacle
• observe rules of safety
• be kind to animals
• respect others' privacy, including siblings

age 12-20

• observing house rules about the noise level
• leaving sufficient gas in the tank of family car
• not blocking driveway
• cleaning up after parties
• not receiving or making late-night phone calls
• not having unapproved friends visit when parents are away
• cell phone etiquette

time and space and the big rat-race

I've been doing some reading lately, and pondering.  I quote:
"Life in Modern-day America is essentially void of time and space.  Not the Star Trek kind.  The sanity kind.  The time and space that once existed in the lives of people, who regularly lingered after dinner, helped the kids with homework, visited with the neighbors, sat on the lawn swing, went for long walks, dug in the garden, and always had a full night's sleep.  People are exhausted.  People are stressed.  people are breaking the speed limit of life.  People are overloaded.  We need more time.  We need more space.  We need more reserves.  We need more buffer.  We need time to rest, and space to heal. "
(Richard Swenson, The Overload Syndrome)
This totally struck a chord, particularly living in Northern Virginia in conjunction with being a parent. I refuse to live this way.  I don't care what my refusal means - less money, smaller home, less light friendships, less "well-roundedness" for my children.  I won't allow the sacrifice of peace in my home or peace in my heart.  And I ponder, is it really possible to become a "still axis within the revolving wheel of relationships, obligations, and activities." - (The Gift of the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh - an incredible book, I might add).  Can a mom of two young 'uns be ruled by something other than chaos, lack-of-time, and exhaustion? 

The answer to that question is yes, by the way. 

Mid-Century Modern Moms

I know that right now I am neck-deep in the "still-learning, limited experience, young-mother with preschool aged children" phase of parenting....but I also know that someday my children will be in the throes of teenhood and questions like: how long before they are good at wiping themselves?, is Gymboree or Children's Place better? and what the heck do we do with all of these accumulating toys? will all be left in  the past.  I'm always eager to hear from moms who have passed through this stage and are wrapping their minds around curfews and driver's licenses, popularity and sensitive feelings, current music, sports accidents and preparing for college.  So, I've enjoyed finding this other blog: MidCentury Modern Moms.  It's a combined effort on behalf of several interesting and talented blogger moms who are a little further down the path than I am currently and offer up a lot of insight and humor. It's so easy to become absorbed in the world of toddler and preschooler right now, it's really refreshing to see beyond myself!

kids and bad dreams

Recently, we've been experiencing a phenomenon which apparently isn't so uncommon to children around Hope's age - bad dreams.  Luckily, Hope is very verbal and is able to tell us exactly what is going on.  From that, we've been able to deduce that her dreams aren't clearly related to anything that she has read or seen (which is both comforting and a little unsettling for me as a parent).  Also, we've thought through things such as "Is she feeling insecure due to lack of routine, change, stress or other things?"  We don't think so.  So, we've just been doing the best we can to talk to her, reassure and comfort her.  She's asked us to play some lullaby-type music at bedtime so that she can think about the words - and I thought that was a great idea.  And she asked us to pray for her and I think it has been helpful for her to feel that big, strong God is watching over and protecting her.  I was wondering, if you have encountered this with your own children - what seemed to help them?

A morning in the life of mom

Got this email from a dear friend of mine (who will remain anonymous) and I just had to share it with you.  Now this is authentic parenting!!!!

My day so far-besides starting the day sick with my congestion and a significant cough:

9:00 let the hooligans out of their rooms, both arguing about what they won’t wear

9:15 breakfast

9:30 While I’m on phone with doctor’s office on hold for a bill I already paid for and have the receipt for, Baby Girl dumps bowl of milk on top of her hair. Despite quick attempts to wash it out, it is currently sticking straight up and has the consistency of straw. While cleaning that up, Little Boy stands on the fireplace and projectile spits an entire mouthful of milk all over the floor and carpet. I never did get through to the doctor’s since I had to get off the phone to deal with the kids.

 

The rest of the exact times are a blur now, it’s 11:30 currently:

 

-My mom calls. The cordless phone dies. I plug in the other phone. While plugging in other phone, Baby Girl pulls out the craft box. Little Boy finds the red glitter glue and spreads it all over the tv screen, couch, fireplace, children’s chairs and coffee table(in mere seconds). After cleaning that up and disciplining him, I call my husband to also give Little Boy a talking to. For the two minutes on the phone with my husband, Little Boy walks over to the corner and pees on the carpet. While I get off the phone and deal with him climbing on the dresser and peeing, Baby Girl takes out every beauty product and medication from under the sink. After I secure Baby Girl, Little Boy goes into the living room and dumps a glass full of milk on the floor(supposedly by accident). I decide at this point that I need coffee so we have a few serene minutes while Little Boy and Baby Girl help me make coffee. While I set up our craft, I realize Little Boy had misplaced a major piece of the craft in his morning dealings. I tell him to find it and he sweetly asks for help. While I help to look for it, he takes the opportunity to spray Windex from the entertainment center, still there from cleaning up the glitter glue, into my coffee and into Baby Girl’s eyes in one foul swoop. At this point, I put him in his room to think about his actions and locked the door, taking care of Baby Girl. I go pour a second cup of coffee. Upon taking it out of the microwave, I somehow lost hold of it, spilled hot coffee on every piece of clothing I had on and broke my favorite mug(however, glad to not spill it on Baby Girl). At this point I gave up and am writing this email! I’m still trying to decide if its in Little Boy’s best interest for survival to let him out of his room…

ruminating about food

I've been thinking about how not to make food an issue with my children.  It should be the simplest thing. When you're hungry, fuel your body with something good.  The end, right?  But I keep running across stories that, as a mom, make me think:

• my husband eats out at a sandwich shop with friends who point out that he's the only one with white bread. He tells them that his wife only buys whole-wheat and so when he goes out he chooses just whatever he likes.
• a friend who grew up in a "granola" household and binged on Lucky Charms at college
• a friend who was told she had several food allergies as a child but ate all that stuff anyway when she was at school or away from her parents (obviously her "allergies" weren't the fatal kind)
• a friend who says that she became obese in response to her parents' control issues

And many more. I'm trying not to make food an issue in our home.  We're not members of the clean plate club. I don't bribe my kids with dessert or offer food rewards very often.  I do try to teach them about healthy food choices.  I do feel it is my job to help protect their health while they aren't in charge of those choices yet, but I don't really deprive them of anything. It's all pretty moderate around here.  I don't want food to become a battle-ground for independence, or something they covet or become sneaky about, reward or comfort themselves with.  I simply want them to eat whatever good things are available when they need to eat.  But I've known way too many people and heard way too many stories about food issues related to childhood.  All I know is that eating is a vital part of survival and parents are concerned with it in so many various ways.  I hope I'm doing a good job of keeping the equation simple, natural, and healthy for my children.  Does anyone else think about this?

Ask RESTONMOM - 3/9/08

Dear Restonmom,
" I don't know how well you will know this or not but I was wondering if it is natural for toddlers to hump as they go to sleep. I was at a day care the other day and I was told that it was natural. I saw your blog and thought I would email and see what you thought or if you know of any books or websites that I could go to. I have never heard that and it is something that I want to be cautious about. Thanks." Dottie

Dear Dottie,
I'm so glad you asked this question! This is something which may feel very embarrassing to parents who might have real concerns and questions.  I actually can speak to this and am glad to have the opportunity.  This activity, humping - or otherwise masturbating, by young children is extremely common. Just as children explore and learn about all the other parts of their bodies, like hands and feet and ears....they will eventually discover that rubbing or playing with their genital areas can feel good.  This behavior becomes particularly common at times when a child is tired, stressed, watching t.v., or bored. It is done simply for soothing, comfort, or because they like the way it feels - it is not related to sex or fantasy for young children.  I have experienced this with my own daughter and I admit it is really kind of a weird and potentially uncomfortable subject to deal with. There are a few key things that are helpful to remember: first, that it is very common. Secondly, that it won't hurt the child or lead to strange sexual thoughts or practices - nor is it a symptom of poor parenting or abuse.  Third, it is important for children to learn about and appreciate all of their body as well as to have a relationship with their parent that will allow good communication about sexual values and so forth.  Therefore, it is important to be careful as adults how we react to this behavior.  We don't want to communicate anxiety or shame or punishment or fear.  The best thing to do is just to totally ignore it if it is happening at bedtime or while the child is alone in a private setting.  In any setting, it should be handled matter-of-factly but unashamedly.  Young children don't have discretion between private and public behaviors.....in the same way that you would discourage a child from other behaviors in public, you can discourage this behavior as well - either by offering distraction or simply telling them that if they would like to do that they will need to go to the bathroom or to their room and not do it when other people are around.  And one last thing to keep in mind, is that this behavior can't really be completely stopped and a parent or caretaker should not show any punitive action or demeaning attitude to the child but should learn how to teach them and direct them to what is appropriate and what is valued by their family. This is a good opportunity to start establishing natural and good means of communication with your children about their feelings and their bodies.  This can be a bit embarrassing for the parent to ask questions about, but a pediatrician can be very helpful in answering more questions about this.  It is very common, and I believe there is lots of information

Dear Readers,
Have you experienced this with your children?  How did you feel or react? Did you talk to anyone such as your pediatrician about it?

Talking about death

Hope has had three goldfish die, she knows that some animals eat other animals, has seen pictures of one dinosaur eating another, and understands about the meats she eats.  I've never tried to sugar coat or hide death from her and thankfully she's never had to experience it in a way that was traumatic to her.  We have shared with her our own beliefs about life and death.  When my grandfather passed away and I told her, her sweet childlike response was simply to look at me and say, "well, that's happy,"  because she saw it as him going on to something better - heaven.  Last week, when Matt's grandmother passed, I shared what had happened with her.  That night as our family said prayers together on Maddie's bed, Hope prayed that her "daddy would know that this was a special thing."  I do think it is important to teach and prepare our children about death - even if they never have to really deal with it until later in adulthood.  At the same time, like any parent, I can see how difficult it is to see your child wrestling with sadness and loss. I do also feel that children need special sensitivity and don't need more information than they can handle.  I have so many friends with different stories about how their parents told them (or didn't tell for that matter)how their childhood pet had died, among other things involving death.  And I wonder have you ever talked about this with your children? What do you think your response would be if your family pet suddenly died? Do you find it easier to try to "protect" them from those realities for now?

Now where did that juice box go?

I keep having this same experience over and over again...it goes something like this: I hand Maddie (or Hope) a juice box or something that has a wrapper.  I then get busy doing something else.  A little while later I remember that my child had this thing unsupervised and I wonder what has become of it.  I search all around expecting to find a mess somewhere, the wrapper left on the floor or the juice box left tipped over on a table or shelf or hiding in some random place where it was discarded - totally chiding myself for being irresponsible and not setting stricter rules about this kind of thing.  And when I can't find what I am looking for I finally go and take a peek in the trash can - and, yes, there it is.  And then I'm both happy to discover that I'm not so totally off the mark and have actually managed to teach my children to clean up after themselves and sort of sad to discover that I keep on following this same silly routine because somehow I can't believe how my children are growing so fast and are growing into greater responsibility - and doing great at it.  So, I stand there like an astonished fool staring at the crunched up juice box in the trashcan and having an emotional moment - totally loving that my children are growing up and totally hating it too, all because of a silly little thing like using the trash can.  Can I really be nostalgic about the part of my children's infancy that means more work and attentiveness for mom?  Apparently.

Planning with kids

I am an organized person - I feel better when everything is in a designated place, typed, arranged, filed, planned, alphabetized, categorized....you get the picture.  Then came motherhood - and let me say that I've had to let go of a lot of my expectations for remaining organized and neat at all times.  Now, some hybrid form of organized chaos now fills our days.  Nevertheless, I do find that a little bit of effort in planning ahead can go a long way toward maintaining a mother's sanity...and helping her to feel like she is making and employing good decisions for her family instead of simply being pulled along by the massive weight at the other end of the leash.  I'm still trying to figure out how you find the time to plan for things that you already are having trouble finding time to do.....but nonetheless, I do manage to plan some things - like my dinner menu for each week, though planning other things that I'd like to like a regular routine for my housework, I cannot seem to pull off.  Anyway, I found this site - Planning with Kids, and I think it's great.  So whether you are a Type A personality who is just constantly looking for more ideas and better ways to plan or whether you are looking for some help to just survive another day of this adventure with kids - or if you are just looking for ways to make family life more simple and fun..it might be worth checking it out. 

The "responsiblity" chart

This is our little corner.  I always keep some sort of book display here in the playroom and now also the "responsibility chart" we started with Hope at the new year.  This has been one of the best things ever! It has really helped us to gain a better handle on a regular daily schedule, for Hope to accomplish things that she needs to do anyway throughout the day and feel great about it, and to eliminate a lot of the whining about picking up her things and brushing hair.  We've started very simply with just 5 things on her chart - for us, it's getting dressed in the morning, brushing hair and teeth in the morning, doing whatever "preschool" activity we have planned for the day, reading at least one book to me, and picking up her toys whenever asked. If she completes her responsibility then she gets a check for the day, at the end of the day if there are all five checks, she gets a star.  At the end of Mon.-Fri., if she has five stars, she gets to choose a coupon from mom's special coupon book.  Her coupon choices range from a pack of bubble gum or an ice cream cone to visiting the playground or playpit of her choice, to staying up 30min. past bedtime, to a book from Barnes and Noble or $2 spending money...etc...we try to keep the rewards small but enticing and as many rewards involving time and play and relationship as possible vs. food or money rewards.  So far, our chart has had big success.  I think the key is to keep the amount of tasks limited and have rewards that are instant (check), daily (star), and fun/worthwhile (coupon).  Hope is also gaining money handling skills by being issued a signed coupon that she then has to safely keep until she presents it for use and she has learned all seven days of the week. The tasks are things that for the most part she needs to do anyway, so eventually we will remove these items from the chart (while keeping them as part of our regular day) and replace them with additional items - such as maybe setting the table for dinner or sorting her own laundry for washing. 

It's bathtime, kids! (Why I love !)

I love bath time for the girls...cute naked tooshies, rosy clean faces, kids contained all in one small space! What's not to love? Though, sometimes at the end of a long day as we're getting the kids ready for bed, I admit it seems a bit of a chore and I have a hard time not rushing them through it.  But occasionally, like today, we rearrange our schedule a bit and the girls get a morning or mid-day bath instead.  They get to stay in for a really long time and enjoy themselves...and I get to have them both contained and entertained while I soak my feet or sit nearby and give myself a little mani/pedi....or maybe indulge in a magazine or book...or even just enjoy the time to play with them.  While there might be a few extra wet towels and washcloths and a mountain of toys left in the tub in the end, at least there is no mess being made elsewhere and I get some time to slow down a bit and it all results in clean, well-groomed children.

parked and peaceful

We spent the entire morning at an open house for a homeschooling program that we are looking at for the girls....it was a great time, but Hope and Maddie were pretty tapped out by the end of it and fell asleep on the drive home.  I decided to just park the car in the sun and read for a while to let them have some of the rest they needed. It was a nice moment to gather some of the rest I needed as well.  The bonus of the natural light minus the distractions that await within my house combined with the sweet sounds of peaceful breathing from the backseat and otherwise silence....was really refreshing.   It probably only lasted twenty minutes before Hope awakened and we headed inside to carry Maddie off to bed and get on with other things. But, it was definitely a wonderful treat of slowing down in the midst of my day. 

Hear this! proclamations of a 4 yr. old

My daughter Hope has an interesting way of requesting attention.  Instead of "listen to this, mommy" or simply just speaking, she starts with a nice loud emphatic "Hear this!" and occasionally just a mild, "hear this, mommy...."  The manner in which she does this is sometimes startling - it jolts me into listening as if some great orator was about to impart life-changing wisdom unto me...."Hear this:"  and the fact that it is coming from a small girl and is usually followed by some nonsensical word she made up for the sake of laughter or some small observation about the world around her, always tickles my sense of humor.  It's a truly cute quirk, but it also serves to remind me to focus and really hear what she is saying (verbally and otherwise), to acknowledge her as she makes discoveries about life or creates jokes and stories, to not miss out on all the excitement of life through the eyes of a child nor the preciousness of life through the eyes of a mother. 

Celebrity Baby Buzz

Well, it's clear that having babies is pretty trendy right now - and great consumer business.  Stars are getting paid upwards of $4 million by magazines buying the first pictures of their baby and lines of baby products are springing up everywhere bringing in big bucks.  I'm not complaining - babies are amazing and the child and the experience are nothing less than miraculous, of course it should be celebrated and talked about and all the rest....but....BUT....people have been popping out kids since the beginning of humankind and I think I'd like to start seeing less attention going to glamour shots of famous new moms and their squishy little ones and more talk about those who had their babies more than a decade ago and have somehow managed to raise healthy, respectful people of good character.  I'd pay for an interview with a mom like that over a picture of Christina Aguilera looking all sweet and photo-shopped with her new son any day! Which is more fascinating to you? Another new baby looking like a wrinkly old man or a woman who has faced raising another human in this world and did a darn good job at it?

suction-cup hands

Now there's an idea!  Wouldn't it be great if with the birth of your children, your palms suddenly developed certain powerful suction abilities?  That kiddo with the jelly-legs who refuses to come along with you - one reflexive movement by mom and SCHMOCK! stuck - no more wrestling with squirmy spaghetti limbs! The toddler who got into the chocolate syrup or the gooey honey or the mud puddle out back? SCHMOCK! rendered immobile and held free from gooping their mess all over mom's skin and clothes and the floor and the hallway and the stairs until safely released within the confines of the bathtub.  Got two squabblers? SCHMOCK! SCHMOCK! held apart by moms arm length until certain discipline can be administered.  Got a runaway? One who likes to dart at the moment you are communicating instructions? or step off the curb into traffic? SCHMOCK! stopped in their tracks! SCHMOCK! SCHMOCK! SCHMOCK! Oh, I like the sound of that! There are times when that would really come in handy!

Guest Author Danielle; poetry & art

My friend Danielle is a poet and an artist and an amazing young woman all around....and she has created something especially for us, for you. I hope that you will enjoy her tender creativity.  If you would like to know more about her, I have listed her blog this month under Link-a-licious in the FYI section of the sidebar - go check it out.

When your baby girl came into the world
You dreamed dreams for her
bigger than a cache full of stars in the clouds,
bigger that the modernized, mega-sized superstores
that took over the mom and pops shops of your childhood.
Your hopes for her ran deeper than the wells
that brought water to your lips and an ending to your thirst,
deeper than your own desire to be known.
You spoke strength into a soul
that was far from knowing how much she'd need it
And feared for her heart what would try to mislead it

Sleepless nights, piercing sobs,
Joyous giggles, your mother's songs

When your baby girl came into the world

Little did you know that the toes you once tickled
would be attached to the feet that took her toward her own future
that took her toward her own dreams and hopes
Little did you know how hard it would be to handle
the hurt from your heart walking around outside your flesh

And little did you know that the big girl you raised in this world
would live a life you longed for her--
a life you whispered into her tiny, little ears...
And she will know your voice forever.

thoughts of parenting on an icy day

Everything here today is encased in a shiny, glass-like coating of ice.  If you've never seen this before, you can hardly imagine how breathtaking it is! But it certainly isn't fun...it's not like you can go play in it and it's really very inconvenient and even dangerous if the ice builds up on damaged trees, roads, and walkways.  As I was looking out the window, contemplating how I hated that the very day we were scheduled to go out for well doctor's appointments was this...I thought that, in an odd way, this could be compared a bit to raising children.  There are days when my girls stand before me as the most beautiful, breath-taking things I have ever seen and at the same time, the most inconvenient, obstinate, irritating thing too.  The juxtaposition leaves me speechless.  But winter, as little as some like it, is necessary.  Without that time of hibernation, bulbs wouldn't flourish with beautiful blooms in the spring, roses wouldn't erupt in stunning color and fragrance, the balance of flora and fauna would be off, and we wouldn't appreciate temperate sunny days quite so much.  If my girls didn't learn how to assert themselves, they wouldn't grow in independence, if they didn't test their boundaries, they would never learn respect, citizenship, and wisdom.  If they didn't inconvenience me, I'd forget the degree to which they need me.  Sometimes when I'm struggling with them, it is difficult to remember that sometimes this is necessary. That it is an opportunity to cultivate something in them which is still beneath the surface, but over time will poke through and bloom into character which is as lovely as their pretty young faces. 

postpartum depression

Postpartum depression is the most common complication after pregnancy and can occur as much as a year after delivery.  For those of us who have never experienced it, it remains difficult to understand how hormones can so overrule and push against natural mothering instincts and nurturing, but for those who have had this - it remains just as difficult to understand and also to communicate and therefore to reach out for help and treatment.  This post is as much for the friends and families of those affected, to encourage you to help any friend, relative, co-worker, or neighbor who may show signs of postpartum depression. To read more and learn about the symptoms and available resources, read this article from Babycenter.  You might also read Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields. And finally, please visit jennyslight.org - and bookmark it for revisiting later as the website is still in it's own infancy.  Jenny's Light is a non-profit organization which arose from the tragic death of two children at the hands of their own mother suffering from PPD.

children viewing pornography

Yikes! what an issue...but it's on my mind, so I'm going to say something.  I don't know where you stand - but just so you know where I'm coming from: I find no redeeming quality about porn at all, it is easily damaging to every relationship and unholy.  That being said, it is also easily accessed by children.  Ben wrote a pertinent post here about protecting his young sons from porn and an elementary-age incident of accidentally coming across some while playing outside.  As a result of this post, he garnered several comments from others who had similar accidental experiences.  Having young daughters, I hadn't really given much thought to this yet...but Ben's post got me thinking.  When I was also in elementary school, a friend and I came across a stack of magazines while rummaging through one of her parent's drawers.  While visiting a distant family member at age 13, I noticed that there was a Playboy magazine in the stack in the bathroom, and when I was a teenager, I noticed that a local convenience store displayed porn magazines for sale in full view and I discovered that the boy I was dating also had a personal stash.  Every one of those instances was totally unintentional.  But now, if a child is lucky enough to never happen across a piece of printed porn, they are still just a very few clicks away from it on the web - and the incidence of accidentally accessing porn on the internet is very high.  The average age for first internet porn exposure is 11 years old, the median age for a person's first use of pornography is between 11-14 years (for boys and girls!).  It seems a very important issue to talk to our children about and I wonder if you have considered those conversations or if you have had them and what your thoughts about that are.

what would Super Mom wear?

Today is a busy day for me as I juggle some much needed cleaning, taking care of my kids, doing some repairs around the house, planning dinner, planning a get-together tomorrow, and et cetera, et cetera....  Still I haven't managed to get a shower, get dressed or do anything with my hair.  So, I'm thinking it would be really nice on days like this when I already have to call on all my super mom powers if I could just rip off my outer wear and voila! Spiffy super mom uniform revealed! - and like the glowing-faced, toned super hero that I am not, I then can fly effortlessly away to my chores and superb parenting skills at least looking pulled together and like I'm actually ready for my job today.  So tell me, what would your Super Mom uniform look like?

Kate on Funny Words

My oldest son, Oliver, has been somewhat slow to get with the talking program. While his vocabulary increases steadily, it’s often hard to understand what he’s saying. For example, it took days to identify “ca-pour” at catapillar. Who knows how much of what he says is lost on us.

One word that features prominently in his daily chit chat is “careful.” (Gee, I wonder where that one came from…) Sometimes it’s directed at his siblings and sometimes it’s just a note to self as he tries something that he knows I would discourage. But it took us a while to understand that what he was saying was “careful.”  It doesn’t sound like “careful.” It sounds like “cat poo.” Chris and I love this so much that we now say it all the time. As I’m climbing up a window sill to pull down a Christmas wreath: “CAT POO!” As Chris balances on a banister to retrieve a balloon from the ceiling over the stairs: “CAT POO!”  We really need to stop, or Oliver is going to think that this is the true pronunciation (and the twins will show up at daycare telling each other to be cat poo). 

Every day offers the challenge of deciphering words in the scramble of Oliver’s language. Another current highlight is “get out” (as in “get out of the booster seat, the shopping cart, the fort of pillows under which he is trapped…”). This registers phonetically as “gay out.” We have had hours of fun with that one. But one that has really made us stop in our tracks, is the word “frog” (his current favorite animal). When Oliver yells “FROG,” it sounds a little more like “FOG,” which when pronounced with a very hard “G” is unnervingly similar to something else….

Kate on Out of Context

Recently another twin mom I know mentioned that she saw me out shopping and tried to wave, but realized that I didn’t recognize her. She kindly suggested that she was out of context since we only really see each other at playgroups, and we didn’t have our kids with us. Then she laughingly said, “and I generally feel out of context when I’m not with my kids.” She is wonderful and I hate to use her comment as a negative example; but the truth is I never want to feel out of context without my children.  

It would be so easy to just drift into the ongoing whirlpool of need that they generate. I could lose myself in that quite happily given the rewarding existence of being loved more than anyone by children who are for me, the bright, shining center of the universe. But then I remind myself that Eleanor won’t feel out of context without me when she starts high school, and then college, and then goes to Cacuun for Spring Break, and then gets a beach house for the summer with her friends. I can’t lose myself in my children now, because I’ll be needing that identity back when they leave me to find theirs. 

I’ve increasingly found that a major element of my motherhood experience is being both a mom and just me at the same time. “Just me,” being the side of me that watches me deal with melt downs and tantrums and dance with the Wiggles and walk out of the house wearing unflattering clothes because I’m in a hurry and I’m just going to the Safeway and I don’t have time to indulge in a wardrobe crisis. It’s the objective side of me that does the laughing and the storytelling and remembers to notice every detail of George’s 14-month-old smile because his face will have changed again by the time he turns 2. The mother in me focuses on what needs to be done and really lives in the moment. I need her to take care of my children, but I also need that observer in me to appreciate them. And if I need to have “just me” to laugh about their daily antics now, I’m going to need that same part of myself to help let them go when they inevitably start to grow up.

.

The secret to raising smart kids

Here is an article that a neighbor directed me to from Scientific American Magazine.  It is a great article discussing focusing on effort - instead of ability or intelligence - as a key to success in school and life.  I thought it was interesting and helpful with some really great insight.  It's definitely worth the read for moms with kids at home of any age.