Ask RESTONMOM - 3/9/08

Dear Restonmom,
" I don't know how well you will know this or not but I was wondering if it is natural for toddlers to hump as they go to sleep. I was at a day care the other day and I was told that it was natural. I saw your blog and thought I would email and see what you thought or if you know of any books or websites that I could go to. I have never heard that and it is something that I want to be cautious about. Thanks." Dottie

Dear Dottie,
I'm so glad you asked this question! This is something which may feel very embarrassing to parents who might have real concerns and questions.  I actually can speak to this and am glad to have the opportunity.  This activity, humping - or otherwise masturbating, by young children is extremely common. Just as children explore and learn about all the other parts of their bodies, like hands and feet and ears....they will eventually discover that rubbing or playing with their genital areas can feel good.  This behavior becomes particularly common at times when a child is tired, stressed, watching t.v., or bored. It is done simply for soothing, comfort, or because they like the way it feels - it is not related to sex or fantasy for young children.  I have experienced this with my own daughter and I admit it is really kind of a weird and potentially uncomfortable subject to deal with. There are a few key things that are helpful to remember: first, that it is very common. Secondly, that it won't hurt the child or lead to strange sexual thoughts or practices - nor is it a symptom of poor parenting or abuse.  Third, it is important for children to learn about and appreciate all of their body as well as to have a relationship with their parent that will allow good communication about sexual values and so forth.  Therefore, it is important to be careful as adults how we react to this behavior.  We don't want to communicate anxiety or shame or punishment or fear.  The best thing to do is just to totally ignore it if it is happening at bedtime or while the child is alone in a private setting.  In any setting, it should be handled matter-of-factly but unashamedly.  Young children don't have discretion between private and public behaviors.....in the same way that you would discourage a child from other behaviors in public, you can discourage this behavior as well - either by offering distraction or simply telling them that if they would like to do that they will need to go to the bathroom or to their room and not do it when other people are around.  And one last thing to keep in mind, is that this behavior can't really be completely stopped and a parent or caretaker should not show any punitive action or demeaning attitude to the child but should learn how to teach them and direct them to what is appropriate and what is valued by their family. This is a good opportunity to start establishing natural and good means of communication with your children about their feelings and their bodies.  This can be a bit embarrassing for the parent to ask questions about, but a pediatrician can be very helpful in answering more questions about this.  It is very common, and I believe there is lots of information

Dear Readers,
Have you experienced this with your children?  How did you feel or react? Did you talk to anyone such as your pediatrician about it?

Comments

[Jessi]

First of all, I want to commend you Tricia for your candidness and willingness to tackle this topic.

As a mom of a girl and 3 boys, I've noticed more with boys just a general obsession with their 'parts' - seems like every now and then they just need to make sure they are there or something! I've handled it the same way as burping or nose-picking...calmly just saying "uh, honey, that's not really appropriate..." type thing. It seems like the less of a big deal parents make about stuff like that, the less of an issue it becomes.

I find it intriguing that no one else has commented... I wonder if that's because no one has encountered anything or if it's just a topic that parents still feel too awkward talking about...

[Kate]

While I haven't experienced this (yet) with my kids who are all under the age of 3, I do remember hearing a similar story from a grandma about her 4 year old granddaughter. Like Tricia suggested - they tried not to be negative about it, but instead, focused on teaching her about privacy and what is and is not appropriate for public. But I also thought it was very refreshing that the adults didn't let embarrassement get the best of them - instead they tried to see the humor in the situation. Apparently, the little girl started calling it "doing her thing" (like, "I'm going to my room to do my thing") - and they had some laughs about that. Of course the downside for the little girl is that funny family stories tend to stick....and it's likely that this one is going to come out at some point when she's all grown up, like the first time she brings her fiance home for Thanksgiving!

[Terry]

I just noticed my 2.5 yr old daughter doing this and I FREAKED OUT. I didnt know what to do, my eyes got watery, my heart was pounding. I am so confused right now. Is this because "somebody" or "something" woke that feeling up? And I keep reading that this feels good for toddlers? What is good? Good in a sexual way? Good in a sleepy way? I dont know. I dont know if I should scream at her? Im thinking of taking her out of daycare, talking to the doctor. Quitting my job. I am just so scared because of all these child porn cases I hear all the time. I dont want nothing happening to my little princess. If anybody could please answer my questions it would really help.

[Susan C.]

It's been a while since anyone has actually posted comments about this but I wanted to share my thoughts. We have a 16 month old son who recently started "humping" while trying to get to sleep at night. At first I shrugged it off and then my husband commented on the fact that he found his glow worm underneath our son when he was sleeping - he also said he was moving his hips up and down as if he were actually humping it. I then began to notice this (not every time we put him to bed but whenever he was fighting sleep initially) and I was really weirded out by it! All of the thoughts went through my head, especially about future abnormal sexual behavior, etc. I asked my sister and mother about it and they said it was very normal. Having read this blog, I am MUCH more confident that I have nothing to worry about. Of course, if he's older and does this stuff in public, then it would need to be addressed. Thank God I read this blog!

[Heather]

My 22 month old humps his favorite teddy bear that he sleeps with every night. Some days, he will try to hump everything several times when we are at home and some days nothing happens. I had fears about his future sexual behavior as well, but I think I was overreacting. I am a stay at home mom and with him 24/7 so I am confident that he is not being abused> I just think some kids do it, and others don't. I will be speaking with his pediatrician when he goes for his 24 month check up, because it seems like he does it a lot! It is embarassing and I want to talk to his Dr. before I put him in a Mother's Day Out program when he is 2. None of my friends have mentioned their kids doing this, although my neice still does and she is almost 10.

[Nerissa]

I typed into goodle 'toddler humping action' to try and find an answer to my daughters strange behaviour and was brought to this link. I'm also reassured to read this is normal. My daughter does this when she is tired, watching tele and bored...exactly as was written in the Blog. Thanks for putting my mind at ease.

[Holly]

My for-year old son does this as well, but he started right after he was born. Since my brother also did this, I have just simply ignored it since he only did it in his bed at night. Today I got a phone call at work because he was doing it at preschool. Apparently he has been doing it quite a bit, and it is disrupting the other children around him. We had a talk about being still on the cot at nap-time, and even practiced lying still this afternoon. I did not focus on the humping, just that it was very important to be still. Hopefully we can make it through the rest of this week and I can talk to the pediatrician next week when we go for 4 year-old shots.

[MauraCarmody]

I was told that when I was still very young (younger than 2) I started dry humping soft animals and things. I was not sexually abused or anything like that as a child. I'm now almost 18 and have had a boy friend for a year, we're waiting until we get married to have sex (well I am). So, yes, some people worry way too much. I know that my mum worried when I started, but my dad said it was instinct. It's ridiculous to think that a child must have been sexually abused or seen someone having sex to be humping things. Children are curious creatures who like to explore... everything!

[Katrina]

My son does the same whn he is going to sleep. It's totally a comfort thing.
We had friends over the house yesterday and he did it on the sofa in front of people and it was hard to explain that it was just a comfort/sleep/boredom thing as they were all friends without children.
But thought maybe I should look into it and was brought here by doing a google search! Thanks for this and all the comments. Puts my mind at rest!

[Alyson]

My 3 (ok so 1 week away from 4) year old has started this. He will lay a pillow on the floor and then pull a blanket over him and say " im gonna hide" and u can see the blanket rise and fall and shift around and when you ask him what he is doin he says "just hiding". This was extremely worrysome i can actually remember doing things like this when i was very young and i know i was never sexually abused. I know now that he is just curious about this feeling that this activity gives him although im still going to ask his pediatrician at our next well child check up.Im glad we switched to a male doctor, i feel this would be more awkward with a woman and probably more comfortable for my son as well. this link has been so helpful i cant even describe how much better i feel. thank you ladies so very much from one mother to another.