the most difficult part of pregnancy

Some words never leave you.  For example, I remember the comment from a friend who unexpectedly lost a well-developed child in utero and had to deliver a stillbirth.  She said something about how when she was lying down and would roll to the opposite side she would feel the baby move only to realize in her sad situation that it was only the pull of gravity.  I can't remember much else from that conversation from years ago, but sometimes this thought occurs to me at night.  Then, as if on cue, Amelia kicks me in the bladder or starts in on a fit of hiccups as if to remind me "hey, mom, I'm in here doing fine." 

The most difficult part about pregnancy is not the morning sickness, nor the emotions, fatigue, or even the labor and delivery.  The hardest part about pregnancy is coming to grips with the knowledge that you aren't in control.  Sure, we can grasp for control in areas of nutrition, rest, decision making, reading, preparing, etc...  but though helpful, it's also illusory.  

The fact is, I can't insure the life of this child.  It isn't me who is weaving her together one cell at a time. I don't own the breathe of life and while I can tend, I can't make anything grow.  The development of a baby from start to birth and beyond is one of the most intricate, delicate, awe-inspiring events if you stop to really consider it.  The human body is miraculously designed and life is a precious gift bestowed upon us. 

I'm counting on that miracle as I hope to hold this baby just five weeks from now.  

The doctor who delivered Maddie and I were having a conversation during my c-section at that time. I'm sure she had delivered many babies - but her awe of the miracle of it all didn't seemed dulled.  She said sincerely, "I don't know how anyone who does this can still fail to believe in God."   I know what she meant.  And while I don't know whether you believe in God or not, I'm personally comforted in my inability to have total control over the delicate little life of this baby by leaning on the One who is able, sovereign, and good.  

Comments

[Diana]

Thank you for this post. When I became pregnant and even more so after I gave birth, I realized the true miracle in having a baby. It has certainly humbled me. I love that your doctor after having delivered so many babies still sees the true blessings that they really are.

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