Reston Mom

journaling for parents

I've always been terrible at journaling.  I'm not the most outwardly emotive person and so writing things like that down just didn't ever really jive with me.  However, I do now keep a homeschooling/parenting journal.  I find that it helps me to really think things out and keep records which are helpful to me as my husband and I raise our children.  While I keep notes about teaching in there, I also make specific notes about the individual characteristics and needs of my kids as I learn them, as well as recording encouraging and inspiring things I've read, etc...  There are a lot of notes to self about ways that I am challenged or want to improve or things to be cognizant of as a parent.  Here is a recent entry for example - a brainstorm about instruction where I just recorded my stream of thought.

"Regarding instruction of children: reading Proverbs 16:21b "pleasant words promote instruction" NIV *like to look at other translations, further study

brings to mind the need to instruct -> teach -> disciple -> with firmness, clarity and passion but also with gentleness *fruit of the spirit, Galatians  instead of anger, frustration.  Yelling is a lack of self-control *fruit of the spirit, Galatians  It promotes embarrassment, shame, is demeaning and disrespectful.  It causes defensive behavior and thinking rather than softening the heart and opening the mind to receive. Yelling/threatening in word or tone or stance creates fear and retreat rather than motivation and advancement.

Yelling is not discipline, it is an adult temper tantrum because I am not getting what I want at that moment.

Yelling/being short or harsh is compounding a poor and weak manner of communicating with a prior failure in communication/instruction or accountability. 

Reminder: I cannot expect my children to meet behavioral expectations for which I have not instructed them or thereafter consistently held them accountable.  

Misbehavior:

*outside circumstances: tired, hungry, emotions: frustrated, jealous, fearful, etc...

*instruction: have I clearly communicated instructions or expectations? Do I need to do this again to ensure understanding?

*have I been consistent in my follow-through/accountability so that my children know that I absolutely mean what I say

*is my child being outright stubborn/rebellious? in which case I need to address a deeper issue than outer behavior -> heart, mind

love, gentleness does not equal passivity - loving discipline is active and intentional

passivity = no plan, no long term vision = kids in control = chaos

What is our discipline plan? (I have written about this elsewhere) Is this something I can consistently follow through with? is this something my husband/I are in agreement and consistent with?

Ask Restonmom - 8/12/09

Dear Restonmom,

   "I read your blog often. Thanks so much for sharing your story and all of your great tips! I have a 20 month old son and I'm staying home with him. I was wondering if you could recommend a good book about disciplining your child. I have really enjoyed your appoach to discipline (teamwork, positive, etc.). I would really appreciate any suggestions!

Thanks so much,  Michele"

Dear Michele,

     I'm so glad that you are enjoying this blog - it is my favorite thing to hear that someone has found some encouragement or help or even entertainment here.  

I honestly haven't read many books on discipline.  I do have two in mind that I have read and are favorites of mine and would certainly recommend.  I don't know where you are coming from, but I love Jesus and so you'll find that these books have a strong foundation in Christianity.  That being said, I would think that regardless of what you believe, there are some good, solid ideas in these books which might be helpful or at least would get you thinking about how you wanted to approach discipline in your own household.

My absolute favorite, which I have read multiple times, is called Parenting by the Book" by John Rosemond.  And I also enjoyed The Strong Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson. 

While I don't agree with every word in each book, I do have to admit that my own discipline approach is based strongly on my faith and that is largely what guides why and what I do. 

READERS, DO YOU HAVE ANY GOOD DISCIPLINE BOOKS IN MIND TO RECOMMEND?

Thrombastic Threes

Maddie turns three next week.  I've decided that, at least according to our household, there is not much to the "terrible two's" moniker.  Both of our girls were fairly angelic little creatures at 2.  But 3, well now, that's a different story.  I'm calling it "thrombastic three".  Suddenly parenting takes on new challenges - and often leaves me feeling frustrated.  I remember this with Hope, at pretty much the same age.  And, oddly I've found it mentioned in several books on parenting/discipline that three seems to be particularly notorious for this, nevermind 2.  So recently, Maddie has been testing me quite a bit...but I guess it's good.  It has made me take the time to stop and re-evaluate my disciplinary motives and strategies, the big picture of parenting and my goals therein, and has given me renewed focus for moving forward with my children.  Nevertheless, oh my - there have been some moments recently that practically left my head spinning.  Wow - three year olds!  Has anyone else found three to be more difficult than two?

Who's in charge here?

I'm so amused by the way my youngest daughter Maddie checks my authority.  It's not at all subtle or sneaky, it is blatant and hilarious!  Case in point: tonight at dinner Maddie quickly drank all of her milk and then asked for more.  I told her that she could have water but would not be allowed to have more milk until she had eaten her dinner.  At that point, Maddie defiantly screamed at me with a whiny undertone, "No mommy! No water! Maaaaaaaahmy!"  To which I calmly responded, "Maddie, you may not talk to me like that.  If you do so again, you will be told to go sit on the stairs."  She looks at me and in a softer tone says, "noooo".  Now I'm watching to see what she will do, and likewise she is watching me to see what I will do.  So she cranks out a louder whine "NOOOOO MAAAAHMEEEE" followed by a conspicuously fake whine "ahhh ahhh wahh".  She looks at me.  "Maddie, go sit on the stairs."  She looks at me, stands up easily and proceeds to the stairs while producing a completely contrived set of whines "ahh whahhh.....wahhh...sniff sniff...fake frown"   Once seated on the stairs she continues for a moment with the fake whining (while I snicker at Matt over the obviousness of her acting).  And only a moment later sweetly calls, "Okay mommy, I'm better now."  "Okay darlin'" I reply, "you can come back and join us again."  She happily trots in, sits down, holds up her cup and smiling says "Mommy, may I please have a cup of water?"
This charade clearly had nothing to do with water, and everything to do with her checking the rules again today to see if Mommy and Daddy are still the ones in charge around here.

playground parenting

My daughter Hope had two separate run-ins with some poorly behaving children at the playground recently.  The first was when she was waiting politely to ask a girl (who was climbing up and down the slide repeatedly) if she might have a turn, but before she got the chance to even approach the girl, the girl came bolting at Hope for no reason - stopping an inch from her face to yell menacingly.  My daughter's feelings were so hurt.  Secondly, a little boy pushed Hope from the ladder, landing her on her butt on the ground - and then lied about it repeatedly.  In both cases, any parents were either completely absent from the scene or totally disinterested in being involved in any way.  Clearly, I am not going to allow the safety of my own children to be jeopardized...but when otherwise is it okay to step in and deal with another child's behavior? I don't want to lash out in an emotionally driven response to another child and I do want to leave room for my children to learn to deal with things by themselves (I don't want to be the playground police).  But what is the correct response for dealing with children who are making playground time miserable for the other kids present and whose parents don't care? My daughters are still learning how to deal with this kind of thing, how do I best stand up for them in the meantime?

Age-Appropriate Manners

I recently attended a parenting seminar where I received a bunch of resources.  One thing that was touched upon was the decline of "manners" in our society and the necessity of teaching and holding our children accountable for common courtesy.  Among our hand-outs was a list of age-appropriate manners taken from the book You Can Raise a Well-Mannered Child by June Hines Moore.  It's clearly not exhaustive, but I've included it below.  However, let us remember that the goal is not to hold your kids to a long list of obligatory rules but rather to train our children to be considerate of others rather than self-serving individuals as a whole. 
age 3-4

• saying hello and good-bye
• saying please and thank-you
• shaking hands
• making eye-contact

age 4-5

• saying excuse me
• using a fork and spoon properly
• asking for food to be passed
• using a napkin
• talking without a mouth full of food
• not interrupting others

age 5-6

• proper behavior for a reasonable amount of time in public places, such as not making a scene or talking too loudly

age 6-10

• saying excuse me when interrupting becomes necessary
• respond when spoken to
• showing respect for disabled individuals
• offering help when it is needed
• showing respect for elders, such as allowing older people to enter/exit first, speaking respectfully and offering assistance
• refraining from making hurtful comments of judgements such as "that's an ugly dress"
• good manners when visiting
• making the bed
• writing thank-you notes

age 10-12

• exercising discretion
• speak softly when calling someone to the telephone
• refrain from sassing
• respect property at home and away
• answer the telephone properly
• keep his/her room neat and clean
• do assigned chores cheerfully, punctually, and efficiently
• play music at a resonably low decibel
• respect privacy of others
• wait one's proper turn in line
• say excuse me when bumping into someone
• attend to one's guest
• write thank you notes for gifts, overnight visits, and special treats of any kind
• be punctual
• respect the driver of the car
• deposit trash in the proper receptacle
• observe rules of safety
• be kind to animals
• respect others' privacy, including siblings

age 12-20

• observing house rules about the noise level
• leaving sufficient gas in the tank of family car
• not blocking driveway
• cleaning up after parties
• not receiving or making late-night phone calls
• not having unapproved friends visit when parents are away
• cell phone etiquette

A morning in the life of mom

Got this email from a dear friend of mine (who will remain anonymous) and I just had to share it with you.  Now this is authentic parenting!!!!

My day so far-besides starting the day sick with my congestion and a significant cough:

9:00 let the hooligans out of their rooms, both arguing about what they won’t wear

9:15 breakfast

9:30 While I’m on phone with doctor’s office on hold for a bill I already paid for and have the receipt for, Baby Girl dumps bowl of milk on top of her hair. Despite quick attempts to wash it out, it is currently sticking straight up and has the consistency of straw. While cleaning that up, Little Boy stands on the fireplace and projectile spits an entire mouthful of milk all over the floor and carpet. I never did get through to the doctor’s since I had to get off the phone to deal with the kids.

 

The rest of the exact times are a blur now, it’s 11:30 currently:

 

-My mom calls. The cordless phone dies. I plug in the other phone. While plugging in other phone, Baby Girl pulls out the craft box. Little Boy finds the red glitter glue and spreads it all over the tv screen, couch, fireplace, children’s chairs and coffee table(in mere seconds). After cleaning that up and disciplining him, I call my husband to also give Little Boy a talking to. For the two minutes on the phone with my husband, Little Boy walks over to the corner and pees on the carpet. While I get off the phone and deal with him climbing on the dresser and peeing, Baby Girl takes out every beauty product and medication from under the sink. After I secure Baby Girl, Little Boy goes into the living room and dumps a glass full of milk on the floor(supposedly by accident). I decide at this point that I need coffee so we have a few serene minutes while Little Boy and Baby Girl help me make coffee. While I set up our craft, I realize Little Boy had misplaced a major piece of the craft in his morning dealings. I tell him to find it and he sweetly asks for help. While I help to look for it, he takes the opportunity to spray Windex from the entertainment center, still there from cleaning up the glitter glue, into my coffee and into Baby Girl’s eyes in one foul swoop. At this point, I put him in his room to think about his actions and locked the door, taking care of Baby Girl. I go pour a second cup of coffee. Upon taking it out of the microwave, I somehow lost hold of it, spilled hot coffee on every piece of clothing I had on and broke my favorite mug(however, glad to not spill it on Baby Girl). At this point I gave up and am writing this email! I’m still trying to decide if its in Little Boy’s best interest for survival to let him out of his room…

thoughts of parenting on an icy day

Everything here today is encased in a shiny, glass-like coating of ice.  If you've never seen this before, you can hardly imagine how breathtaking it is! But it certainly isn't fun...it's not like you can go play in it and it's really very inconvenient and even dangerous if the ice builds up on damaged trees, roads, and walkways.  As I was looking out the window, contemplating how I hated that the very day we were scheduled to go out for well doctor's appointments was this...I thought that, in an odd way, this could be compared a bit to raising children.  There are days when my girls stand before me as the most beautiful, breath-taking things I have ever seen and at the same time, the most inconvenient, obstinate, irritating thing too.  The juxtaposition leaves me speechless.  But winter, as little as some like it, is necessary.  Without that time of hibernation, bulbs wouldn't flourish with beautiful blooms in the spring, roses wouldn't erupt in stunning color and fragrance, the balance of flora and fauna would be off, and we wouldn't appreciate temperate sunny days quite so much.  If my girls didn't learn how to assert themselves, they wouldn't grow in independence, if they didn't test their boundaries, they would never learn respect, citizenship, and wisdom.  If they didn't inconvenience me, I'd forget the degree to which they need me.  Sometimes when I'm struggling with them, it is difficult to remember that sometimes this is necessary. That it is an opportunity to cultivate something in them which is still beneath the surface, but over time will poke through and bloom into character which is as lovely as their pretty young faces. 

Jane Hambleton is my hero!

You may have caught a little buzz about this "world's meanest mom" who sold her 19 yr. old son's car after finding alcohol in it using this ad :

"OLDS 1999 Intrigue Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for 3 weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet."

All I have to say is that I wish more moms (and dads) out there would claim their authority to take firm discipline action with their children as needed.  You go mom! You can read a short interview with Jane here to find out more about her discipline strategies and what happened with the car.

discipline that works like magic

There are a few sources I've used personally to cultivate a disciplinary plan for our children.  Here is one that I found to be easy and effective when used consistently.  I have heard many positive responses from other parents as well. As a matter of fact, it was recommended to my own parents by a psychologist who was working with them when they adopted a troubled child a few years ago.  1-2-3 Magic is so simplistic in it's nature, that you'll be tempted to disbelieve it could ever work....but I think that you'd be surprised. Whether you feel like this is your "style" or not, some of the underlying premises - such as a commitment to consistency - would be beneficial for any parent looking to communicate successfully with their children.  We've all heard parents counting aloud to their children....and getting nowhere.  Well, here is how to do it right and get results!

raising siblings, part 3

I want to highlight a few things regarding what I've already shared:

First, the reason I don't cater to making everything even and fair between my girls, is for their benefit. Life just doesn't work that way. They will not always accomplish the same things, receive the same prizes and accolades. They will not always have the same things, the same finances, the same opportunities. They are two different people, with different gifts, abilities, personalities, and resources. They cannot expect to live in comparison to one another, but must learn to do the best they can with who each of them is and what each has been given. They must find their own success, not match eachother's success.

Second, there are some things which I do deliver to both of them always - my love, for one. I do not make comparison statements to them. I try very hard to be equally encouraging, supportive, respectful, and helpful to each of them. I try to spend time with both of them together and separately, and to learn who they are as individuals so that I can comfort, nurture, and teach them as best as I can in the most beneficial way to each. I do not withold from one and give to the other in a malicious or punitive way.

As a result, I witness both of my girls growing confident in who they are as individuals. They are more willing to share with one another. They do not demand equality, but appreciate what they receive. And they are capable of dealing with times when something seems a bit unfair in ways that are resonable and healthy. 

raising siblings, part 2

I mentioned that I have given up the idea that things must always be fair between my girls. Here are just two examples of what I mean:

1. I do not often buy "pairs" of toys. Many parents end up locking themselves into having to make sure that if one child gets something, the sibling must also get something and often the very same something.  They find themselves in a position where a tantrum ensues if this isn't the case. And because they have frequently given in, the child learns how to get what they want. My girls might both get a little something - but because of the different stages they are in, it might not be the same something. Sometimes they can choose to share, sometimes one just simply cannot have what the other has. Sometimes I will buy something for one and the next time we are out it will be the turn of the other sibling to receive something. My girls are learning to be grateful for whatever they do get when they get it - and not to demand something. They are learning to share with each other.

2. Hope recently started asking if she had "more" than Maddie whenever I serve them food. I found this strange because I've never spent time counting out grapes, for instance, to make sure they both have the exact same amount. So I've had to counter this with asking Hope, "Do you have enough for you, Hope?" I explain to her that she will not always have the same amounts of everything and that's the way it is. There is no need to compare. I say, "I will take care of what your needs are, you won't need to worry. And I will take care of whatever Maddie's needs are too, even when they are different."

Posted by Tricia Morgan in

raising siblings, part 1

Parenting siblings is an interesting feat. There is a fine balance between neccessary involvement and letting them have a relationship of their own without my constant interference. There is the challenge of raising two totally individual personalities, two different ages and stages, and in my case, the challenges that arise from siblings who are close in age and the same gender.

While it is an ongoing process, I feel like I am learning alot. And here is something - I've given up on always making everything fair and even. Life just doesn't work that way and someday we all have to face the facts. And to be honest, it works out better for me too!  Because, my girls are learning how to deal with that in ways that are positive and healthy... and they don't drive me crazy over little stuff. I share some examples with you to illustrate this in part 2 of this post.

Parenting siblings is an interesting feat. There is a fine balance between neccessary involvement and letting them have a relationship of their own without my constant interference. There is the challenge of raising two totally individual personalities, two different ages and stages, and in my case, the challenges that arise from siblings who are close in age and the same gender.

While it is an ongoing process, I feel like I am learning alot. And here is something - I've given up on always making everything fair and even. Life just doesn't work that way and someday we all have to face the facts. And to be honest, it works out better for me too!  Because, my girls are learning how to deal with that in ways that are positive and healthy... and they don't drive me crazy over little stuff. I share some examples with you to illustrate this in part 2 of this post.

teaching life lessons in little ways

Today the kids and I stopped by Trader Joes, a store my kids remember because of the free balloons they receive whenever we go.  Hope accidentally let go of hers in the parking lot and it flew away. She was really disappointed and started to cry. It would have been very easy for me to just grab her a new one - taken hardly any time and the employees would have totally understood. But, I made the decision not to - even though Hope pointed out that Maddie still had hers.

I find that it is these little decisions that become important in shaping my girls into who they will become as adults. For example - this time I may have robbed myself of a little bit of quiet time while we endured Hope's sobs... but, had I given in and replaced the lost balloon, I would have robbed Hope of the following lessons:

1. How to deal with disappointment, something that is inevitable in life, even if it isn't fair.
2. How to appreciate and take care of whatever she is given, even small things.
3. The love of her sister - my sweethearted Maddie saw Hope's disappointment and gave away her own balloon with a happy "here Hope!" And Maddie got the benefit too of feeling empathy and choosing to be generous.

Today the kids and I stopped by Trader Joes, a store my kids remember because of the free balloons they receive whenever we go.  Hope accidentally let go of hers in the parking lot and it flew away. She was really disappointed and started to cry. It would have been very easy for me to just grab her a new one - taken hardly any time and the employees would have totally understood. But, I made the decision not to - even though Hope pointed out that Maddie still had hers.

I find that it is these little decisions that become important in shaping my girls into who they will become as adults. For example - this time I may have robbed myself of a little bit of quiet time while we endured Hope's sobs... but, had I given in and replaced the lost balloon, I would have robbed Hope of the following lessons:

1. How to deal with disappointment, something that is inevitable in life, even if it isn't fair.
2. How to appreciate and take care of whatever she is given, even small things.
3. The love of her sister - my sweethearted Maddie saw Hope's disappointment and gave away her own balloon with a happy "here Hope!" And Maddie got the benefit too of feeling empathy and choosing to be generous.

A handful of magic beans, part 2

So, what I realized over time in dealing with Hope's flare-ups (seriously, like striking a match!) was that it isn't that she doesn't understand that aggressive, hurtful behavior is unacceptable - she certainly does. The real problem lies in that she doesn't yet have control over herself or the tools to gain it. She is reacting, and my job now is to help her to become proactive in her response to anger or frustration. 

So, we have introduced two things to her. The first, I started a little while ago and that was to give her an alternative option. I began drilling the idea that when she feels that way, she should either just walk-away or go sit on the stairs (note: the stairs are her "safe" place... where we often direct her to finish out tantrums, melt-downs, whining, and frustrations by herself for as long as she needs - this is different than a time-out which we also employ at other times). Now that she is realizing that she does have options and is beginning to take notice of an oncoming lash-out, I have instituted a little reward system to help her control herself and put that information to use - the beans. 

This is an idea I took from my friend and a kindergarten teacher, Carrie, and adapted to our own use. In our kitchen we have a tray, on top of the tray is a large glass jar filled with beans. Whenever Hope hits, pushes, shoves a person, she must remove a handful of beans from the jar into the tray. Whenever she chooses to walk-away or sit on the stairs or come talk out her frustration, or if she goes the day with no hands-on aggression, she gets to put a handful of beans back into the jar. If the jar gets full and stays full for three days, she gets a little prize. While she has yet to receive a prize, this tactic has really been helping her to gain recognition and responsibility over her own actions. Better to give her tools to succeed than to continue reprimanding and disciplining her repeatedly while getting nowhere.

So, what I realized over time in dealing with Hope's flare-ups (seriously, like striking a match!) was that it isn't that she doesn't understand that aggressive, hurtful behavior is unacceptable - she certainly does. The real problem lies in that she doesn't yet have control over herself or the tools to gain it. She is reacting, and my job now is to help her to become proactive in her response to anger or frustration. 

So, we have introduced two things to her. The first, I started a little while ago and that was to give her an alternative option. I began drilling the idea that when she feels that way, she should either just walk-away or go sit on the stairs (note: the stairs are her "safe" place... where we often direct her to finish out tantrums, melt-downs, whining, and frustrations by herself for as long as she needs - this is different than a time-out which we also employ at other times). Now that she is realizing that she does have options and is beginning to take notice of an oncoming lash-out, I have instituted a little reward system to help her control herself and put that information to use - the beans. 

This is an idea I took from my friend and a kindergarten teacher, Carrie, and adapted to our own use. In our kitchen we have a tray, on top of the tray is a large glass jar filled with beans. Whenever Hope hits, pushes, shoves a person, she must remove a handful of beans from the jar into the tray. Whenever she chooses to walk-away or sit on the stairs or come talk out her frustration, or if she goes the day with no hands-on aggression, she gets to put a handful of beans back into the jar. If the jar gets full and stays full for three days, she gets a little prize. While she has yet to receive a prize, this tactic has really been helping her to gain recognition and responsibility over her own actions. Better to give her tools to succeed than to continue reprimanding and disciplining her repeatedly while getting nowhere.

A handful of magic beans

Well, maybe they're not magic - just a mixture of plain old red and whites plus green split peas, but they are serving a purpose after all.

My daughter Hope is an exuberant child... full of expression from infancy and occasionally a little too expressive, at least when it comes to her anger or frustration. She has this terrible response which amounts to hitting or shoving or literally pummeling the culprit or even the nearest person. Up until now, she has received her due share of time outs and other consequences in swift response to each and every aggressive action, and to my utter dismay, even over time there was little change in her behavior and ever-growing frustration for the both of us.

Well, I think I've come to a solution which - and I know you're curious - boils down to a handful of beans. I'll share what we are doing now to tackle this behavior in a future post. Until then, I'd love to hear your own experiences or tell me, what would you do?

Well, maybe they're not magic - just a mixture of plain old red and whites plus green split peas, but they are serving a purpose after all.

My daughter Hope is an exuberant child... full of expression from infancy and occasionally a little too expressive, at least when it comes to her anger or frustration. She has this terrible response which amounts to hitting or shoving or literally pummeling the culprit or even the nearest person. Up until now, she has received her due share of time outs and other consequences in swift response to each and every aggressive action, and to my utter dismay, even over time there was little change in her behavior and ever-growing frustration for the both of us.

Well, I think I've come to a solution which - and I know you're curious - boils down to a handful of beans. I'll share what we are doing now to tackle this behavior in a future post. Until then, I'd love to hear your own experiences or tell me, what would you do?

Teaching Thank-you

One of the first words that Hope learned to say was "thank-you" - though it sounded more like "Tahnth-oo" at first. Before she was really talking at all, I would repeat "say thank-you" every time I handed her something. Eventually she caught on and did it herself. I've continued to instill the habit in her relentlessly. It wasn't surprising that Maddie's 3rd or 4th word also was thank-you - this time I didn't even have to prod much, she just got used to hearing everyone else say thanks and hearing me remind Hope. 

Now, it's a natural part of our interaction. Developing this habit in my children is so important to me that you might catch me asking Hope to thank me for cooking her dinner or doing other things for her. It might seem a strange thing to request thanks for yourself, but I think that showing gratitude towards your parents is a good step towards thanking and respecting other people and adults too. And, if my husband and I don't teach her to thank us - who will? I know that we all desire a "thank you" that comes from a sincere feeling of gratitude, and similarly I do want my children to mean it when they say it. But, if I wait for them to feel gratitude before expressing it... well, the times I and others hear it may be few and far between for a long while. I believe that stopping to say the words "thank-you" will actually serve to help the girls remember to be grateful in the long run. 

Eventually they will stop to think about why they say those words, right now they serve as a marker to help them take notice when something is being done for them -  which I believe is the first step to being truly appreciative. So, my husband and I go on pounding this word into their vocabulary, (and of course demonstrating it through our own interactions) working tirelessly to make it habitual. But you know what? Now it isn't uncommon at all for Hope to say "Thank-you daddy for being a good daddy," or "Thank-you mommy for helping me." I've had the privilege of hearing all kinds of spontaneous and heartfelt thank-yous from my little daughter - proof that the habit of saying thank-you is helping her to realize that she actually does have a lot to be truly thankful for. 

One of the first words that Hope learned to say was "thank-you" - though it sounded more like "Tahnth-oo" at first. Before she was really talking at all, I would repeat "say thank-you" every time I handed her something. Eventually she caught on and did it herself. I've continued to instill the habit in her relentlessly. It wasn't surprising that Maddie's 3rd or 4th word also was thank-you - this time I didn't even have to prod much, she just got used to hearing everyone else say thanks and hearing me remind Hope. 

Now, it's a natural part of our interaction. Developing this habit in my children is so important to me that you might catch me asking Hope to thank me for cooking her dinner or doing other things for her. It might seem a strange thing to request thanks for yourself, but I think that showing gratitude towards your parents is a good step towards thanking and respecting other people and adults too. And, if my husband and I don't teach her to thank us - who will? I know that we all desire a "thank you" that comes from a sincere feeling of gratitude, and similarly I do want my children to mean it when they say it. But, if I wait for them to feel gratitude before expressing it... well, the times I and others hear it may be few and far between for a long while. I believe that stopping to say the words "thank-you" will actually serve to help the girls remember to be grateful in the long run. 

Eventually they will stop to think about why they say those words, right now they serve as a marker to help them take notice when something is being done for them -  which I believe is the first step to being truly appreciative. So, my husband and I go on pounding this word into their vocabulary, (and of course demonstrating it through our own interactions) working tirelessly to make it habitual. But you know what? Now it isn't uncommon at all for Hope to say "Thank-you daddy for being a good daddy," or "Thank-you mommy for helping me." I've had the privilege of hearing all kinds of spontaneous and heartfelt thank-yous from my little daughter - proof that the habit of saying thank-you is helping her to realize that she actually does have a lot to be truly thankful for. 

Miss Manners

had a great friend in highschool who unfailingly answered to any adult with the polite addition of ma'am or sir. At the time, I thought it was the product of some seriously strict and traditional parenting... and now I realize, that though it had been drilled into his head for as long as he could talk, he was later choosing of his own free will to retain the formality out of courtesy and respect.

Now as a parent, I am embarking on my own journey of teaching manners. Except, now it occurs to me that it is much more than just pleasantry. For example, I have become very cognizant of requiring Hope to address adults by the formal Mr./Mrs./Ms. plus last name. This has drawn some interesting reactions from adult friends of mine, like "Oh she can call me by my first name," " that makes me feel old," etc...

But, I've enforced it all the same and at times been required to explain. See, the benefit of such a small exercise is going to be an important building block in Hope's life. By not being allowed to address adults on a first name basis, she learns that she is not on the same level as they, she is not equal to their standing - she is not an adult. Not yet anyway, and those who are require her acknowlegement and respect. So it is less of a value statement and more of an authority statement.

Formality... courtesy... politeness - call it what you may, but in today's world where there are growing problems in homes, schools, and communities where children have a lack of respect for adults and authority, I call it a valueable lesson. I find that the important ones always seem to start in the smallest places, at the youngest ages. 

Battle of the Wills, Part 4

Battle of the wills, part 4

I am now exhausted. Hope and I battled over this one for a total of 1 hr. 30 min. Whew! Was it worth it? Absolutely. But it wasn't easy. It is so hard to see your little child crying and to hear sobbing heart-wrenching excuses. Not to mention, I was taking care of my younger daughter at the same time. It was a struggle not to just give in, bribe her, or lose my cool. Hope really pulled out all the stops this time - unbelievable the stamina and acting abilities of a 3 year old!

It would have been so easy to just clean up the mess myself. I did everything in my power to respond to her lovingly and kindly while remaining firm. I stayed in the room with her, until she started screaming at me and ramping up the hysteria - then I told her I wouldn't stay to listen to that. I kneeled down with her and tried coaching her, helping her to see her chore as a bit of a fun game (no, it didn't work). I gave her endless hugs, told her I loved her, never raised my voice or my hand to her. 

You know what happened? She finally just gave it up. She called to me "Mommy, I don't want to be in here anymore." I went to her and said, "Okay, sweetie, then lets get these peas picked up." I sat down beside her and watched as she happily and easily completed a chore that I knew was not to difficult for her. Then, I picked her up into my arms, gave her a big squeezie hug, turned her around to see the clean floor.

I said, " See, I knew you could do it, Hope. The floor looks wonderful, you did a great job, and I knew you could do it. You should be very proud of yourself. Thank you for cleaning up your peas."  And she smiled and said, "Yeah, the floor does look good. Your welcome mommy." 

The whole thing was over and seemingly forgotten and we went off happily to play again.
The best thing is, that regardless of how exactly it all unfolded - I am assured that Hope knows that I love her, that she is important enough to me to take whatever time and effort is needed, and that she can pull out all the stops, but mom sticks to what she says. I don't think she will throw any food on the floor for a while, and I'll probably get at least a month before she really tries to test me again. 

These kinds of battles of the will really don't happen between us very often at all, and I have a good feeling that that is due, at least in part, to the fact that when they do come around, I stand my ground. I am able to do so because I know that having healthy rules, limits, and boundaries and parents who follow through on them sets up an environment which feels safe and secure to children and prepares them to be responsible and respectful adults.   

I am now exhausted. Hope and I battled over this one for a total of 1 hr. 30 min. Whew! Was it worth it? Absolutely. But it wasn't easy. It is so hard to see your little child crying and to hear sobbing heart-wrenching excuses. Not to mention, I was taking care of my younger daughter at the same time. It was a struggle not to just give in, bribe her, or lose my cool. Hope really pulled out all the stops this time - unbelievable the stamina and acting abilities of a 3 year old!

It would have been so easy to just clean up the mess myself. I did everything in my power to respond to her lovingly and kindly while remaining firm. I stayed in the room with her, until she started screaming at me and ramping up the hysteria - then I told her I wouldn't stay to listen to that. I kneeled down with her and tried coaching her, helping her to see her chore as a bit of a fun game (no, it didn't work). I gave her endless hugs, told her I loved her, never raised my voice or my hand to her. 

You know what happened? She finally just gave it up. She called to me "Mommy, I don't want to be in here anymore." I went to her and said, "Okay, sweetie, then lets get these peas picked up." I sat down beside her and watched as she happily and easily completed a chore that I knew was not to difficult for her. Then, I picked her up into my arms, gave her a big squeezie hug, turned her around to see the clean floor.

I said, " See, I knew you could do it, Hope. The floor looks wonderful, you did a great job, and I knew you could do it. You should be very proud of yourself. Thank you for cleaning up your peas."  And she smiled and said, "Yeah, the floor does look good. Your welcome mommy." 

The whole thing was over and seemingly forgotten and we went off happily to play again.
The best thing is, that regardless of how exactly it all unfolded - I am assured that Hope knows that I love her, that she is important enough to me to take whatever time and effort is needed, and that she can pull out all the stops, but mom sticks to what she says. I don't think she will throw any food on the floor for a while, and I'll probably get at least a month before she really tries to test me again. 

These kinds of battles of the will really don't happen between us very often at all, and I have a good feeling that that is due, at least in part, to the fact that when they do come around, I stand my ground. I am able to do so because I know that having healthy rules, limits, and boundaries and parents who follow through on them sets up an environment which feels safe and secure to children and prepares them to be responsible and respectful adults.   

Battle of the wills, part 4

I am now exhausted. Hope and I battled over this one for a total of 1 hr. 30 min. Whew! Was it worth it? Absolutely. But it wasn't easy. It is so hard to see your little child crying and to hear sobbing heart-wrenching excuses. Not to mention, I was taking care of my younger daughter at the same time. It was a struggle not to just give in, bribe her, or lose my cool. Hope really pulled out all the stops this time - unbelievable the stamina and acting abilities of a 3 year old!

It would have been so easy to just clean up the mess myself. I did everything in my power to respond to her lovingly and kindly while remaining firm. I stayed in the room with her, until she started screaming at me and ramping up the hysteria - then I told her I wouldn't stay to listen to that. I kneeled down with her and tried coaching her, helping her to see her chore as a bit of a fun game (no, it didn't work). I gave her endless hugs, told her I loved her, never raised my voice or my hand to her. 

You know what happened? She finally just gave it up. She called to me "Mommy, I don't want to be in here anymore." I went to her and said, "Okay, sweetie, then lets get these peas picked up." I sat down beside her and watched as she happily and easily completed a chore that I knew was not to difficult for her. Then, I picked her up into my arms, gave her a big squeezie hug, turned her around to see the clean floor.

I said, " See, I knew you could do it, Hope. The floor looks wonderful, you did a great job, and I knew you could do it. You should be very proud of yourself. Thank you for cleaning up your peas."  And she smiled and said, "Yeah, the floor does look good. Your welcome mommy." 

The whole thing was over and seemingly forgotten and we went off happily to play again.
The best thing is, that regardless of how exactly it all unfolded - I am assured that Hope knows that I love her, that she is important enough to me to take whatever time and effort is needed, and that she can pull out all the stops, but mom sticks to what she says. I don't think she will throw any food on the floor for a while, and I'll probably get at least a month before she really tries to test me again. 

These kinds of battles of the will really don't happen between us very often at all, and I have a good feeling that that is due, at least in part, to the fact that when they do come around, I stand my ground. I am able to do so because I know that having healthy rules, limits, and boundaries and parents who follow through on them sets up an environment which feels safe and secure to children and prepares them to be responsible and respectful adults.   

Battle of the Wills, Part 3

So, if you've been following this battle of wills between my daughter and me, you are probably thinking I'm a bit crazy for letting things go as far as they have already. Maybe some of you have better strategies - I'd love to know what they are - but for better or worse, here is what I was thinking and how it all worked out.

Thirty, forty, fifty - even sixty minutes in to this whole thing, there is one goal in my mind - one priority:  Teach Hope that I mean what I say, that I love her and because of that I am willing to do whatever it takes, however long it takes, to teach her important lessons. The important lesson here is not about the peas, but about Hope trusting with certainty that mom always follows through on what she says. And that she knows I discipline because I care who she is and what kind of person she turns out to be. The peas may not be that big a deal, but I think it is important to establish discipline early with the small things - before the bigger issues come into play.

Here are some of my rules for battling her strong will this time: 

1. No bribes: I repeatedly asked Hope to follow through with my request and fought against my desire to persuade her through promises of reward. I wanted her to follow through because it was right to obey and honor her mother, and to take pride in a job well done instead of material profit.
2. No threats: I wanted to keep Hope's attention on the task at hand. Usually there are consequences to her screaming at me, etc. but in this case, I chose to follow through on the one goal at hand to avoid compounding Hope's frustration. I suppose I could have given her a time out or a spanking early on, but my goal was not to punish her but to get her to act. I don't believe in empty threats, so I don't say anything I don't immediately follow through on if I need to. I did once bring her over to me (after her attempts to leave the kitchen) and tell her that her disobedience was going to lead me to give her a spanking, or she could choose to get to work - she returned to the kitchen. 
3. Remain calm:  I'm the adult. I'm in control. I don't need to freak out to get things accomplished (though there were moments when I really felt like it). So I never raised my voice at all, just kept it calm and stern.
4. Don't give in: At all costs, don't give in - or the lesson is over and Hope will have learned just how far she needs to go in the future to get mommy to give it up.

Was this a happy ending?  And what did we learn through all of this? Part 4 of this saga reveals all.

So, if you've been following this battle of wills between my daughter and me, you are probably thinking I'm a bit crazy for letting things go as far as they have already. Maybe some of you have better strategies - I'd love to know what they are - but for better or worse, here is what I was thinking and how it all worked out.

Thirty, forty, fifty - even sixty minutes in to this whole thing, there is one goal in my mind - one priority:  Teach Hope that I mean what I say, that I love her and because of that I am willing to do whatever it takes, however long it takes, to teach her important lessons. The important lesson here is not about the peas, but about Hope trusting with certainty that mom always follows through on what she says. And that she knows I discipline because I care who she is and what kind of person she turns out to be. The peas may not be that big a deal, but I think it is important to establish discipline early with the small things - before the bigger issues come into play.

Here are some of my rules for battling her strong will this time: 

1. No bribes: I repeatedly asked Hope to follow through with my request and fought against my desire to persuade her through promises of reward. I wanted her to follow through because it was right to obey and honor her mother, and to take pride in a job well done instead of material profit.
2. No threats: I wanted to keep Hope's attention on the task at hand. Usually there are consequences to her screaming at me, etc. but in this case, I chose to follow through on the one goal at hand to avoid compounding Hope's frustration. I suppose I could have given her a time out or a spanking early on, but my goal was not to punish her but to get her to act. I don't believe in empty threats, so I don't say anything I don't immediately follow through on if I need to. I did once bring her over to me (after her attempts to leave the kitchen) and tell her that her disobedience was going to lead me to give her a spanking, or she could choose to get to work - she returned to the kitchen. 
3. Remain calm:  I'm the adult. I'm in control. I don't need to freak out to get things accomplished (though there were moments when I really felt like it). So I never raised my voice at all, just kept it calm and stern.
4. Don't give in: At all costs, don't give in - or the lesson is over and Hope will have learned just how far she needs to go in the future to get mommy to give it up.

Was this a happy ending?  And what did we learn through all of this? Part 4 of this saga reveals all.

Battle of the Wills, Part 2

So I asked Hope to pick up the peas (by herself) that are now covering our kitchen floor. My goals are to teach Hope that it is not worth making a mess with her food because she will be responsible for cleaning it up, to teach Hope that it is important to be obedient to what I ask of her, and to teach her that mom means what she says and sticks to it.

Hope's goals are to get out of cleaning up the peas, find out just exactly where mom's limits lie and how serious mom is about sticking to what she says. Here is the shortened, less exhausting, but fairly telling version of Hope's first strategy and my response. Let's just call it "the tantrum":

 Hope: (hysterical crying voice) I don't want to
  Mom: (calmly in a normal volume) I know you don't want to, but you need to
  Hope:  I can't
  Mom: You are a smart and able little girl, you can and you will
  Hope:  I'm not going to
  Mom:  You will not be allowed to do anything else until you do
  Hope:  I'm thirsty
  Mom:  You can have something after you clean up the peas
  Hope:  I'm very, very, veeeeerrrrrry thirsty!
  Mom: You can have something after you clean up the peas
  Hope:  I'm hungry
  Mom:  You can have something after you clean up the peas
  Hope: (screaming) I told you I'm hungry!!!
Mom:  (silence)                                                                                                                       Hope:  (calmly in a pleasant tone) I know what that says - at. (pointing to the
             word "at" in magnetic letters on the fridge
  Mom:  you need to get to work cleaning up those peas
  Hope:  (crying hysterically again)  I need a hug
  Mom:  gives a hug and says, go get working
  Hope:  I need to sit here and calm down
  Mom:  okay, then get to work
  Hope:  (screaming as loud as she can) I told you I am calming down!
  Mom:  turns away to stifle laughter
  Hope: I need help
  Mom: you can do it
  Hope: I'm too tired
  Hope: I'm not happy
  Hope: I have a tummy ache
Mom:  Let's get working and then I can help you
  Hope:  My leg hurts
  Hope:  I want to go to bed, I want to take a nap
  Mom: Are you working?
  Hope: (still hysterical) I don't want to have a birthday, I really don't ( as if I would ever threaten to take away any birthday celebration)

Yes, unbelieveably this is indeed the very short version.Yes, she was hysterical almost the entire time. Yes, she tried other tactics: stalling, trying to leave the room, fake sleeping on the floor, asking for multiple hugs and kisses, she did take a bathroom break. And so it continued for the first thirty minutes. Would you have stuck it out? Given in already? Tried another strategy?

Stay tuned for part 3 of "Battle of the wills."

Battle of the Wills, Part 1

When it comes to raising and disciplining my children, I am a very firm believer in being consistent in what I say and always following through - even when it is very difficult. All of my parenting skills were firmly tested this morning by my nearly 3-year old daughter.

Here is the scenario:

I served peas with lunch. Though I thought that the baby would be the more likely one to throw them overboard, it was Hope who made a fun game of pelting the floor one by one with her little green b.b.'s.while I wasn't looking. So, now I am confronted with a huge mess and an opportunity to teach a lesson to my daughter. I tell her she needs to pick them up. But here's the clincher: she has to do it all by herself, confronting her usual game of making a mess and then manipulating mommy into cleaning up about 80% of it. But not today, especially because it is a valueable lesson to learn not to throw your food all over the place. Of course she was opposed to this, and a battle of wills began.

Here are the highlights:

• peas on the floor
• Hope told to clean them up
• Hope asks for help
• I tell her no help this time
• Hope begins to throw a tantrum, complete with crying and begging and a multitude of excuses

But wait, it gets more interesting. Stay tuned for parts 2, 3 and 4 of the "Battle of the wills" saga to see how this whole thing dramatically unfolds.

When it comes to raising and disciplining my children, I am a very firm believer in being consistent in what I say and always following through - even when it is very difficult. All of my parenting skills were firmly tested this morning by my nearly 3-year old daughter.

Here is the scenario:

I served peas with lunch. Though I thought that the baby would be the more likely one to throw them overboard, it was Hope who made a fun game of pelting the floor one by one with her little green b.b.'s.while I wasn't looking. So, now I am confronted with a huge mess and an opportunity to teach a lesson to my daughter. I tell her she needs to pick them up. But here's the clincher: she has to do it all by herself, confronting her usual game of making a mess and then manipulating mommy into cleaning up about 80% of it. But not today, especially because it is a valueable lesson to learn not to throw your food all over the place. Of course she was opposed to this, and a battle of wills began.

Here are the highlights:

• peas on the floor
• Hope told to clean them up
• Hope asks for help
• I tell her no help this time
• Hope begins to throw a tantrum, complete with crying and begging and a multitude of excuses

But wait, it gets more interesting. Stay tuned for parts 2, 3 and 4 of the "Battle of the wills" saga to see how this whole thing dramatically unfolds.

When it comes to raising and disciplining my children, I am a very firm believer in being consistent in what I say and always following through - even when it is very difficult. All of my parenting skills were firmly tested this morning by my nearly 3-year old daughter.

Here is the scenario:

I served peas with lunch. Though I thought that the baby would be the more likely one to throw them overboard, it was Hope who made a fun game of pelting the floor one by one with her little green b.b.'s.while I wasn't looking. So, now I am confronted with a huge mess and an opportunity to teach a lesson to my daughter. I tell her she needs to pick them up. But here's the clincher: she has to do it all by herself, confronting her usual game of making a mess and then manipulating mommy into cleaning up about 80% of it. But not today, especially because it is a valueable lesson to learn not to throw your food all over the place. Of course she was opposed to this, and a battle of wills began.

Here are the highlights:

• peas on the floor
• Hope told to clean them up
• Hope asks for help
• I tell her no help this time
• Hope begins to throw a tantrum, complete with crying and begging and a multitude of excuses

But wait, it gets more interesting. Stay tuned for parts 2, 3 and 4 of the "Battle of the wills" saga to see how this whole thing dramatically unfolds.