Reston Mom

Guest Author Kirsten has a baby boy!

My friend Kirsten guest authored some posts on this blog about her decision to home birth her first child.  You can read her posts (pre-birth) under my "guest author" category.  I just wanted to give you an update and congratulate her on the birth of her son, Sawyer Timothy.   You can read her entire birth story and see some more pictures (including the labor process) here.

Kirsten on Home Birth for you

Is Home Birth for You?

One of my first thoughts after seeing the plus sign on the pregnancy test was, “Oh no—does this mean I’m going to have a home birth??” It was one thing to read about it, but a totally different thing to sign up for it.  I took a month or two to read, pray, and discuss with Rob to decide what was the best choice for us.

An important factor if you are considering home birth is whether you are considered high or low risk.  This may vary some from midwife to midwife, but here are some factors that would probably rule out home birth:  a chronic medical condition (like heart disease, diabetes, or lupus),  confirmed HIV or AIDS, a history of premature babies or low-weight babies, or if you’ve had a C-section less than a year before.  Doctors often include women over the age of thirty-five, first time mothers, and women who have previously had a C-section in their high risk category, while a midwife may still find these women to be good candidates for home birth.  If you have questions about whether or not it would be safe to give birth at home, a good idea would be to talk to a midwife about your specific situation.

Choosing where to give birth is a very personal decision, one that you should make in conjunction with your husband or partner.  Whatever your choice is, you should be comfortable and at peace with it.  We will all have some worries and fears, but you don’t want to choose a birth place that makes you anxious or uncomfortable—that will just make labor and delivery more stressful!  My advice would be to research, pray, and decide what’s best for you.   

Kirsten on Natural birth, part 2

So You Want to Be a Natural Woman…

Like any birth choices, deciding whether or not to labor naturally is a very personal decision.  Arm yourself with information, and then go with what makes you feel comfortable.  If you do plan to labor naturally, more power to you!  Here are a few suggestions to help you out: 

Prepare.  Research and practice natural methods of pain management such as positioning, counter-pressure, water labor/birth, and massage.  Mentally, you will also need an extra dose of preparation to help carry you through.  My husband and I took Bradley classes, which encourage a natural, husband-coached childbirth.  We also have memorized Hebrews 12:2 as a theme verse for labor.  It talks about fixing your eyes on Jesus, who endured the suffering of the cross for the joy set before him. I hope in labor to remember this verse, being reminded also of the joy set before me:  meeting that baby! 

Find a Supportive Environment.  At your home, this is easier, because it’s your environment and you set the tone.  If you’re laboring naturally in a hospital, make sure you communicate your desires to the staff.  Every few minutes you don’t want someone poking their head in asking, “You sure you don’t want that epidural?”  Do whatever it takes to make your laboring space comfortable and stress-free. Play music, dim the lights—whatever takes you to your happy place. 

Find a Supportive Birth Team.  This starts with your husband or partner and the midwife or doctor you choose.  If you plan to have other friends or family members present, again make sure that everyone is aware of your desire to labor naturally.  Most importantly consider hiring a Professional Labor Assistant (also called a doula), whose job it is to assist women in labor. Studies show that mothers who use a doula had shorter labors, needed fewer medical interventions, and had a lower cesarean rate.  To locate a doula, check www.dona.org, the website for the Doulas of North America. 

Kirsten on Natural birth and pain, part 1

Let’s Be Honest—What about the Pain??

I feel a little unqualified to even address this, as I haven’t been through labor yet!  This was one of my biggest initial fears about home birth, one I have come to terms with over the past eight months.  Realize that the thoughts in this post come from reading and reflecting, but not yet from experience! 

Many women choose to give birth naturally, whether in a hospital or birthing center, and how to manage pain is a huge part of preparation.  Rarely do we think of pain as a good thing, but pain actually does have a purpose.  In labor, it can indicate that things are progressing normally or that something is wrong (sharp or burning pain, for example).  The body also releases natural stress-releasing hormones called endorphins in response to pain.  Often women describe a natural sort of euphoria that coexists with the pain of labor, similar to the “high” that many distance runners describe. 

It’s true that nothing can remove pain like an epidural.  But epidurals also block other good senses (such as the urge to push) and inhibit the body’s natural release of endorphins.  Usually an epidural also makes electronic fetal monitoring and an IV drip necessary, all of which means you will most likely be on your back in bed—proven to be the worst position for labor and for birth.  Epidurals are not without serious risk to both mother and baby—something you definitely want to research ahead of time to make an informed choice.   

Yes, I fear the pain of labor.  But I also am (weirdly) excited to fully experience this amazing feat that my body was designed to accomplish.  Of course, the first person who tries to remind me of that when I’m actually in labor better watch out…

Kirsten on Home Birth and safety

But Is Home Birth Really Safe?

There are two main reasons that people assume a hospital is the safest place to give birth:  the presence of medical doctors and technology.   A backup plan is a must in a home birth for an emergency situation, but for women who are low risk, research supports certified midwife attended home birth as a safe alternative to hospital birth.  

While doctors may have more extensive formal obstetric education, certified midwives undergo rigorous training to become experts in the practical aspects of labor and birth. In a busy hospital setting, doctors may only be present for the final stage of labor as the mother begins to push.  Nurses primarily monitor labor, often caring for several women at one time.  Midwives are familiar with the entirety of labor and delivery and give one-on-one care throughout.  Nurses and doctors often rely on elective medical interventions such as electronic fetal monitoring, labor induction, and episiotomy which can result in adverse outcomes even in low-risk women.  Midwives use safer alternative methods such as intermittent listening and perineal massage which would be difficult or impossible for busy doctors and nurses in a hospital.

In these days of iPhones and wireless everything, we tend to trust technology above all else—perhaps to a fault.  The United States may be one of the most technologically advanced countries in the world but in 2003, thirty-one countries had lower infant mortality rates.  The countries with the lowest mortality rates were those where midwifery is an integral part of obstetric care and where births more commonly take place outside of a hospital.  According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the U.S. infant mortality rate drops from 6.3 deaths per 1,000 live births to 2.1 deaths per 1,000 live births in midwife-attended birth.  I take all statistics with a grain of salt because there can be so many contributing factors, but these numbers still give pause.

This barely scratches the surface, but hopefully provides some basic support for the safety of home birth.  If you want to read more on this topic, please dig deeper! There are a ton of great books out there, including Gentle Birth Choices by Barbara Harper, which supplied the research for this post.   

Kirsten on choosing Home Birth

  It’s the 21^st Century—Why Would You Give Birth in Your HOUSE?

That was my first reaction when my friend Stacy announced she was giving birth at home.  The idea sounded archaic, irresponsible, and more than a little bit insane.  Probably like a lot of women, I had never heard of home birth as an alternative to hospital birth, and I was worried about my friend’s safety and mental state. 

So, like a responsible friend, I began asking questions and reading up on home birth.  I was married but not yet thinking about children, and had never thought twice about where I would give birth.  My only experience with birth came from movies where men faint and women are angry and hysterical, screaming for an epidural. Of course I would give birth in a hospital, and the quicker I could get drugs, the better.  Right?

My thoughts began to change as I read well-documented books citing medical research supporting the safety and benefits of home birth.  I was surprised to find that the technology I thought made hospital births safer can be overused, resulting in more complications or interventions.  In addition, women who gave birth at home attended by a midwife described labor and birth as a joyous occasion, as opposed to the common perception of birth as a painful and terrible ordeal.   

When I got pregnant almost two years later, I returned to the research and began praying about my choice.  I had come to see home birth as a viable option, but was it right for me?  Did I want other people thinking I was nuts for giving birth at home?  Could I make it through labor without an epidural? Was it really safe?

Whether you have never heard about alternatives to hospital birth or this is old news, I hope to share in these next few posts what brought me from thinking that the idea was crazy to planning a home birth for my first baby this April.

Welcome Guest Writer Kirsten

Restonmom is excited to welcome guest writer Kirsten.  Follow her posts this week as she talks about her decision to do a home birth.  But, first let me introduce her - in her own words:

I grew up in Virginia, but married a Texan so I'm in Houston for the long haul!  My husband Robbie and I have been married almost five years and have one "child," a dog named (of course) Tex.  We're expecting our first human child at the end of April and are waiting to find out if it's a boy or a girl.  Robbie is a youth director at Christ EPC in Houston, and is a finalist to compete in season two of American Gladiators (fingers crossed).  I recently got my Masters in Fiction and am working on a young adult novel.  I love writing, painting, and blogging, and when I'm not pregnant, I do roller derby.  We love the adventure that is our life together!

Guest Author Danielle; poetry & art

My friend Danielle is a poet and an artist and an amazing young woman all around....and she has created something especially for us, for you. I hope that you will enjoy her tender creativity.  If you would like to know more about her, I have listed her blog this month under Link-a-licious in the FYI section of the sidebar - go check it out.

When your baby girl came into the world
You dreamed dreams for her
bigger than a cache full of stars in the clouds,
bigger that the modernized, mega-sized superstores
that took over the mom and pops shops of your childhood.
Your hopes for her ran deeper than the wells
that brought water to your lips and an ending to your thirst,
deeper than your own desire to be known.
You spoke strength into a soul
that was far from knowing how much she'd need it
And feared for her heart what would try to mislead it

Sleepless nights, piercing sobs,
Joyous giggles, your mother's songs

When your baby girl came into the world

Little did you know that the toes you once tickled
would be attached to the feet that took her toward her own future
that took her toward her own dreams and hopes
Little did you know how hard it would be to handle
the hurt from your heart walking around outside your flesh

And little did you know that the big girl you raised in this world
would live a life you longed for her--
a life you whispered into her tiny, little ears...
And she will know your voice forever.

Kate on Funny Words

My oldest son, Oliver, has been somewhat slow to get with the talking program. While his vocabulary increases steadily, it’s often hard to understand what he’s saying. For example, it took days to identify “ca-pour” at catapillar. Who knows how much of what he says is lost on us.

One word that features prominently in his daily chit chat is “careful.” (Gee, I wonder where that one came from…) Sometimes it’s directed at his siblings and sometimes it’s just a note to self as he tries something that he knows I would discourage. But it took us a while to understand that what he was saying was “careful.”  It doesn’t sound like “careful.” It sounds like “cat poo.” Chris and I love this so much that we now say it all the time. As I’m climbing up a window sill to pull down a Christmas wreath: “CAT POO!” As Chris balances on a banister to retrieve a balloon from the ceiling over the stairs: “CAT POO!”  We really need to stop, or Oliver is going to think that this is the true pronunciation (and the twins will show up at daycare telling each other to be cat poo). 

Every day offers the challenge of deciphering words in the scramble of Oliver’s language. Another current highlight is “get out” (as in “get out of the booster seat, the shopping cart, the fort of pillows under which he is trapped…”). This registers phonetically as “gay out.” We have had hours of fun with that one. But one that has really made us stop in our tracks, is the word “frog” (his current favorite animal). When Oliver yells “FROG,” it sounds a little more like “FOG,” which when pronounced with a very hard “G” is unnervingly similar to something else….

Kate on Out of Context

Recently another twin mom I know mentioned that she saw me out shopping and tried to wave, but realized that I didn’t recognize her. She kindly suggested that she was out of context since we only really see each other at playgroups, and we didn’t have our kids with us. Then she laughingly said, “and I generally feel out of context when I’m not with my kids.” She is wonderful and I hate to use her comment as a negative example; but the truth is I never want to feel out of context without my children.  

It would be so easy to just drift into the ongoing whirlpool of need that they generate. I could lose myself in that quite happily given the rewarding existence of being loved more than anyone by children who are for me, the bright, shining center of the universe. But then I remind myself that Eleanor won’t feel out of context without me when she starts high school, and then college, and then goes to Cacuun for Spring Break, and then gets a beach house for the summer with her friends. I can’t lose myself in my children now, because I’ll be needing that identity back when they leave me to find theirs. 

I’ve increasingly found that a major element of my motherhood experience is being both a mom and just me at the same time. “Just me,” being the side of me that watches me deal with melt downs and tantrums and dance with the Wiggles and walk out of the house wearing unflattering clothes because I’m in a hurry and I’m just going to the Safeway and I don’t have time to indulge in a wardrobe crisis. It’s the objective side of me that does the laughing and the storytelling and remembers to notice every detail of George’s 14-month-old smile because his face will have changed again by the time he turns 2. The mother in me focuses on what needs to be done and really lives in the moment. I need her to take care of my children, but I also need that observer in me to appreciate them. And if I need to have “just me” to laugh about their daily antics now, I’m going to need that same part of myself to help let them go when they inevitably start to grow up.

.

Kate on The Best Laid Plans

The truth is – everything about my twins was unplanned. I’m one of those controlling types that prefer to keep things logical and organized. I knew for a fact that I wanted a three to four year age difference between my (two) children so that I could get the first one out of diapers, into pre-school and engaged in some kind of intelligible communication before embarking on another round of sleepless nights with a second newborn. Well that didn’t work out. Instead, we ended up with three babies under the age of two, all in diapers, in daycare, and nowhere near the ability to communicate clearly with words. 

Life was simple with just one baby. There was always one answer for everything: whatever is best for him. If there were an earthquake and a giant crack opened up in the ground, I could pick him up and run in the other direction. Now I’d need to get the stroller, strap in both twins securely and then convince Oliver to actually hold on to me while I carry him and push the stroller with my free hand. At this point, we’ve all been consumed by the giant crack; and trying to climb out with all three of them is beyond even my disaster planning skills.  

I spend less time making future plans now (and forget disaster planning, I can’t even watch movies like War of the Worlds). Instead I focus on the next few weeks, days, hours. I’ve found that no one is on board with my preference for sticking to a plan (not even my husband), so I’ve given up. I just do the best I can to keep things organized and try to be ready for anything. But then – isn’t that the case for all families?

Kate on Full Hands, part 2

I just never considered that I might end up with twins. I knew twins and I babysat for twins. I listened to my friends muse that it would be so nice to just have twins the first time around and then be done with pregnancy. But I never had those daydreams myself. I always knew that this would be too much chaos for my orderly existence. When Oliver was born, I couldn’t believe how exhausting and all consuming he was; and I have a very clear memory of saying to Chris, “I don’t know how people have multiples – I just couldn’t do it.” But here we are, and somehow we’re all alive, and I find that I don’t need to have everything in order anymore. 

It’s impossible to predict what a weekend day at home with the kids will bring: how many battles of will I can expect, what moods I will encounter when I enter their bedrooms in the morning, who will have a runny nose, or when they will actually start the day (it could be anywhere from 5:00 to 7:30 a.m.). What I do know is that I will have a pile of laundry that will never be completely folded until everyone goes to bed, that I will never get around to that vacuuming that needs to be done and that I will very possibly not even leave the house or put on shoes. But I also know that I will witness a developmental leap in speech or motor skills, I’ll receive innumerable hugs and kisses, both requested and offered, and I will discover yet another amazing skill that I didn’t know I possessed, such as fixing matchbox cars or leaping over hurdles Bionic Woman-style to reach a 2 year old attempting to push his little brother down the stairs (all in good fun of course).    

Kate on Full Hands, part 1

Recently, Tricia asked me if I’d be interested in contributing to her blog with some reflections on being the mother of twins plus a first child that was only 1 ½ when they were born. This is a question that I get all the time: “So you must really have your hands full – how do you manage?”  The answer to this would be that I have no idea. People say, “I just don’t know how you do it,” and I think, “me neither.” As my husband, Chris likes to say, we’re just trying to survive and our only real job right now is to keep the three of them alive. 

Now that we’re out of the marathon phase of three-hour feeding schedules for infant twins (including three to four wake up calls each night), I think we can get past survival mode. Newer priorities include herding, refereeing, and keeping anything weapon-like out of reach. They’re not violent children – just very physical. The oldest probably sets the tone by initiating games that tend to involve knocking each other down on the floor and seeing who can hold the others down the longest (and as a 35 lb. “toddler” that looks like a 4 year old, he has a gross advantage over the other two pee wees combined). Honestly, after about six months of feeling like I ruined Oliver’s life by bringing home not one, but TWO unwanted siblings, I’m just glad that they all seem to like each other.   

Welcome Guest Writer Kate

Reston mom is excited to welcome guest writer Kate.  During this week, look for her fun and insightful posts about raising three children under the age of 3. I know you'll love her, so have fun getting to know her a little bit:

Name: Kate Hood
Husband: Chris
Children: Oliver (2 ½ yrs. old) and George and Eleanor (1 yr. old)
Hometown: Reston via Tysons Corner via Arlington via Washington, DC (unlike most, I started out growing up in the city and then slowly made my way out to the suburbs – I expect to be in West Virginia by 2018).
Full time job: Director of Training for a consulting firm
Part time job: laundry
Hobbies: talking about getting a babysitter for a date night and hiding vegetables in my children’s food

Candice on Toys and Race

But I Wanted Miko

When it comes to toys and dolls, I have never understood why kids should have dolls that look like them. When I was a kid I wanted Miko, the Asian Pacific Barbie doll. I loved her long black hair and tropical outfits. I don’t know why I never got her. Maybe I never asked for her because I thought I shouldn’t or my mom was uncomfortable about getting me an ethnic Barbie doll.

Whatever the reason, my opinion is even stronger now that I have a bi-racial child. I feel like no one in my family looks alike, so if she wants a blonde doll to be her sister, so be it.

But, I do find it very thoughtful of my friends and family who have gone above and beyond to find dolls, including

• My mom buying the   entire Fisher Price little people collection of families so that my   daughter could have a white mom and black dad. We have the little people   United Nations in our house.
• A shower gift from   my husband’s cousin of bi-racial Real Kidz dolls.
• A shower gift of   lots of little clips and pony tail holders to use in African American   hair.

Even though I don’t think Lili should only have bi-racial dolls to play with, I do think companies who make things celebrating multi-racial families are great and I do want Lili to have some toys that do resemble her and will help her with her self-image. So here are a few sites I like:

www.swirlsyndicate.com Comical tees for multi-racial kids.

www.dollslikeme.com Their collection is impressive. I never knew there were so many items like this out there.

www.simpleasthat.com This is more than a shopping site. A great resource for all  kinds of articles on multi-racial families.

Even if you are not in an interracial relationship, these sites are interesting to check out to help teach kids about diversity.

Candice writes on Identity Crisis

Recently, I told my husband that I was a little annoyed about the fact that everyone identifies Barrack Obama as black when he is bi-racial. My husband’s response was he looks black so he is going to be black. This raised a lot of questions in my mind about my daughter. Would she identify herself as one race? How would I feel if she only identified herself as black? What type of situation would she be in where she was forced to identify as one race and how could I prevent it from causing her any kind of distress?

During the last U.S. Census, people were allowed to select more than one race for the first time. This raised a lot of issues abut how such a decision might effect everything from public funding for programs for minorities to compromising health data.

While the practical me understands the complications such multiple identifiers create, the emotional mommy side of me doesn’t understand why my daughter can’t be both. 

But this issue is like most parenting issues. You cannot control what the outside world does, but you can control your reaction to it. I can only instill the confidence and self awareness in my daughter that she will need to be comfortable with who she is no matter how the world may identify her.  

There will always be people in this world who will want to put others into simple categorizations. I want to make sure that my daughter believes in her heart in who she is and won’t worry about what others think. Will someone let me know when they find the magic formula for that?

Candice writes on Celebrating Change

If it wasn’t for people like Martin Luther King Jr., I would not have the family I have today.

I’m white and my husband is black. And while our interracial marriage and bi-racial child rarely get a second glance now, it wasn’t too long ago that our lives would have been a very different story.

I read stories in a book called Interracial Intimacies about bi-racial children torn from their white mothers because they looked too dark to stay with them. Or children who were put in strangers’ homes, taken away from loving parents, so that they could be raised all black or all white and not be confused about their racial identity.

It frightens me to think that there would have been a time that I would not have had the chance to raise my daughter because she did not have my skin tone. To think that her identity, even her very existence, would have been shameful breaks my heart.

That is why I feel that this day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, is important to celebrate. I am humbled by the struggles so many went through so that my daughter, husband, and I can live in a world proud of who we are.  And one day, when my daughter is old enough to understand, I want to teach her about the struggles and dedication of those before her that made her life possible. That is a change worth celebrating.

Welcome Guest Writer Candice

Reston Mom is excited to welcome and introduce guest writer Candice.  Candice Johnson, a 14-month resident of Reston, is mother of 2 year-old Liliana. When she is not juggling her full-time motherhood/wife gig with her part-time marketing manager job, she enjoys reading, writing, and scrap booking. She has been married to the love of her life, Travis, for six years. Candice has also done freelance writing and editing for a variety of clients, including National Geographic. 
Our special guest, Candice, will be writing some posts for us in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, so please keep an eye out for her writing on tomorrow and Tuesday - I know you'll love what she has to say and welcome her as much as I do!  Our guest writers are wonderful, personable individuals and if you would like to get in touch with any of them, please email me and I'll be happy to make that connection for you! 
Enjoy!